Brazelton Method

WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BOY INSISTS HE’S A GIRL

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BOY INSISTS HE’S A GIRL
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. How concerned should I be that my very imaginative 3-year-old son insists he’s a girl? I want him to express himself however he’s most comfortable, but I also want him not to be teased.

The kids in his pre-school class already seem to have rigid ideas about gender identification and I’m not sure how (or whether) to approach this with my son.

A. Without knowing your son, we can’t tell whether he is simply trying out different gender roles. Most children this age dress up like Mommy and Daddy, imitating familiar gestures with hats and high heels as props. Afterward, they switch back.

Gender identity, though, is an individual’s strongly felt, persistent sense of gender, which settles in surprisingly early, between ages 2 and 3, according to researchers.

Over the years, parents and mental health professionals have tried many strategies to change children who think of themselves as the opposite gender. When “success” is defined as pushing or punishing a child into hiding his deepest feelings about his gender, a miserable child and unhappy adult typically result.

The best possible outcome is for the child to understand himself, to accept himself and to know he is accepted by the most important people in his life.

At the same time, parents and teachers must help the child learn to protect himself from the judgments and mistreatments of those who don’t understand him or who feel threatened by him.

Even at 3, a child can be warned that certain actions are likely to lead to teasing, although it may be too much to expect him to succeed in limiting them to private times at home.

Teachers can help by upholding the standard that the teasing and bullying of any child will not be tolerated and that differences will be respected and valued.

If you were to bring up the gender issue with your imaginative son, your goal could be to let him know that you love and accept him no matter what, and that you want to be on his team, helping him figure out how to avoid teasing and how to survive it when it is unavoidable.

Gender resources

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

READING TO A TODDLER

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
READING TO A TODDLER
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I read a lot to my 2-year-old grandson, including “Mother Goose” and Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are.” We’re beginning to read toddler versions of “Grimm’s Fairy Tales.”

I know his parents have reservations about the violence in these stories. Can you refer me to evaluations of how these tales affect a child’s psychological development?

A. A classic is Bruno Bettelheim’s “The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales.”

To Bettelheim, the upsetting events in fairy tales – children lost in the forest, a grandmother swallowed by a wolf, and worse – help young children master their fears by giving form to them.

Toddlers have a limited understanding of their world, their feelings and those of others. They explain troubling events in terms of themselves: “The thunder is rumbling because I made Daddy mad.”

Children can feel anger, jealousy and even rage as strongly as adults. But they’re less sure what these feelings might make them do.

After age 3 or 4, children become aware enough to judge their feelings: “I am bad for feeling so mad.”

This is the age when nightmares with monsters and witches spring from the child’s own “bad” feelings and fear of them.

Fairy tales with wicked stepsisters, poison apples and pinpricks help children see they aren’t the only ones to have these feelings. And they can distinguish their reactions from those of the “bad” people in the stories.

By 4, children know that make-believe isn’t reality, although their ability to tell the difference may still be tenuous.

At 2, though, children don’t understand the concepts of real and make-believe. The violence in a fairy tale may seem as real as the two of you sitting together – and, thus, it might be too terrifying.

Your grandchild can wait a year or two before listening to you read violent fairy tales. Until then, you have plenty else to read. And besides, if you can stand it, 2-year-olds love to hear the same story over and over and over.

Repetition shows them something powerful and unique about books. Unlike the words that come from mouths, you can always count on those mysterious black squiggles on the page to say the same thing, over and over and over.
These experiences prepare children for literacy. Most important: the pleasure and joy of being read to.

Nothing motivates a child to learn to read like warm memories of doing so with parents and grandparents. Once fairy tales become thrilling opportunities to master fear, reading them together can be a pleasure – but not while they’re just plain scary.

Reading together is a time for closeness and cuddling, for tuning in to each other: “Do you see that cow? Did you see all those spots? Do you think she’s saying ‘moo’?”
A 2-year-old knows you are reading and talking only to him, and when he answers, he is also telling you that in this moment, all that matters is you.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center.  Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

A WIDE-AWAKE LOOK AT CO-SLEEPING

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A WIDE-AWAKE LOOK AT CO-SLEEPING
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. What is your opinion on a toddler sleeping in the same bed as a single parent?

A. Throughout history, in families everywhere, parents have shared beds with children – now called co-sleeping.

In the United States, co-sleeping is on the rise. Mothers and fathers who work long days miss their children. Nighttime hours are among the precious few that many families can be together again. Co-sleeping is a way to reunite.

Proponents say that it promotes attachment, and that it is more practical and less fatiguing for parents who must feed a crying baby every few hours.

Mothers who are breastfeeding often find bed-sharing particularly convenient. Studies have found that babies cry less and mature into healthy, respectful and obedient toddlers in cultures where bed-sharing is the norm.

But parents should be aware of potential risks.

Once parents allow a child to share their bed, it is likely to be the child who determines when he or she is old enough to get out. If parents try to reclaim their bed for themselves, the child may keep getting out of her own bed and coming into their room, or screaming to let them know she’s not ready to stop co-sleeping.

Weary parents who’ve been bed-sharing all along may give in.

But parents need privacy. Their relationship is often put on hold when work and children take up the available energy. Cutting this corner can be costly later – for parents and children. You mention a single parent, but the parent’s single status may not last as long as the child wants to share the bed.

In recent years, a new medical objection to co-sleeping was identified: Studies reported a correlation between bed-sharing and an increased risk for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). A bed crowded with blankets, stuffed animals or sleeping people can compromise a baby’s ability to breathe. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has issued a policy statement that bed-sharing may be hazardous. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2011/10/12/peds.2011-2284.full.pdf

However, the risk of SIDS peaks between 2 and 3 months of age, and decreases significantly after the first four months. A toddler may be in the clear.

An alternative to having a baby in a parent’s bed is to place her in her own crib in the parent’s room. Recent studies show that the risk for SIDS is lower for infants under 6 months who sleep in their parents’ room but in a crib.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

ADJUSTING A CHILD’S SLEEP SCHEDULE

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
ADJUSTING A CHILD’S SLEEP SCHEDULE
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

One of our children never succeeded in getting more than eight hours of sleep at night. As a young toddler, she was very cooperative about going to bed, but she woke early and began to rock in her bed.

We knew she was awake by 5 a.m., but we weren’t eager to get up with her. I often went to her to offer a safe toy. When she was 3, we’d call out to her to talk with her teddy bear until we could come in to see her.

Early-morning awakening can be difficult for parents. By 6 a.m., many children have had enough nighttime sleep (10-12 hours between age 6 months and 6 years).

If your child is awakening before 6 a.m., he may in fact need slightly less sleep. But surprising as it may seem, early awakening can occur when a child isn’t getting enough sleep – which can make it hard for a child to sleep normally.

Early awakening may also occur when a child is getting enough sleep, but at the wrong times.

To understand a child’s early awakening, it can help to re-examine the child’s sleep patterns. How many hours of sleep is he getting at night? And during the day?

What time do his naps begin and end? When does he go to bed at night? Does he go to sleep easily? Does he usually seem well-rested when he wakes? Is he fairly good-humored and able to remain alert during most of his waking hours?

The answers to these questions should help you determine what sleep he needs: a little less, a little more, or the same amount but at different times.

For the well-rested child who needs a little less sleep or only a readjustment in his sleep schedule:

  • Re-examine his daytime sleep.
  • Consider delaying, shortening or eliminating a morning nap if he is also napping in the afternoon.
  • Be sure his afternoon nap doesn’t continue after 3 p.m.
  • Give him a later supper.
  • Put him to bed a bit later in an effort to readjust his clock.
  • Wake him before you go to bed to rock him and sing to him, and to interrupt his rhythms. Many children will sleep through from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. if you interrupt their cycle.

For the tired child whose poor sleep leads to more poor sleep, including early awakening, you may need to lengthen naps and set earlier bedtimes. As your child catches up on his sleep, he’ll be better able to sleep normally for the roughly 10-12 hours he needs at night.

All this transition takes time but helps him gradually adjust to your rhythms.

For any child who wakens too early, be sure that his room remains quiet and dark as the sun comes up and the day begins. Some children are easily roused from the light sleep of early morning by any sunlight that gets past the blinds, or by noises in the house or neighborhood. Try dark shades and curtains that fully cover the windows.

He may need his windows shut, or even a white-noise machine – though he may soon become dependent on the machine.

If you go in to play with him when he wakes up in the early morning, he’ll surely wake up at the same time, or earlier, the next day to have more time with you. Children learn early to “set their alarms” for the things they care about.

(This article is adapted from “Sleep: The Brazelton Way,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

WHEN A SMALL CHILD STEALS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A SMALL CHILD STEALS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Small children engage in stealing for at least two reasons. First, everything “belongs” to a 2- or 3-year-old until someone tells him differently.

If he sees a toy in a toy store or a bag of cookies in a grocery, he thinks they’re his – until he learns that such things belong to others. This lesson takes time.

Punishment will drive the behavior underground, only to come out later in less acceptable ways. Gentle explanations of how to respect possessions, coupled with firm limits, are much more effective.

A more subtle reason for stealing is the desire to identify with others. As a preschool child increasingly identifies with his parents, his siblings or his schoolmates, he may take things from them. Thus, in his concrete way of thinking, he becomes like them.

When stealing first appears, it’s exploratory and acquisitive rather than a sign of being “bad.” If you explode with anger, you’re likely to engender fear and repeated acts of stealing.

Of course it frightens a parent when a small child steals, particularly if he seems to realize what he’s done by lying about it. But if you can understand that stealing is universal among children, you can avoid overreacting – and turning such behavior into a pattern.

Your goal is to use each episode as an opportunity to teach. But a child will only be ready to learn if he isn’t overwhelmed by guilt.

Helping a child understand his reasons for taking others’ possessions enables him to hear you when you discuss others’ rights. Learning to respect others’ possessions and territory is a long-term goal. Handled with sensitivity, each stealing episode can lead in that direction.

Try not to label the child as a thief as you talk to him, and don’t harp on the incident afterward. It’s wise not to confront the child by asking him whether he stole; this may just force him to lie.

Simply make clear that you know where the object came from. Ask your child to produce it if necessary, and say, “You know you can’t take something that isn’t yours.”

Help the child return the object to its owner and apologize, even if it means going back to the store and suffering the embarrassment of returning the object or paying for it. Let the child work off the cost by doing chores.

Preventing stealing involves patient teaching – over and over. Be consistent in your reactions each time.

  1. Show the child how to ask for what he wants.
  2. Make simple rules about sharing with others, such as “You don’t take another child’s toy without asking her and offering her one of yours.”
  3. Explain the concept of borrowing and returning a toy: “You may ask whether you can play with it. If they say no, that’s it. If they say yes, you must offer to return it.”

“If we’re in a store and you want some cookies, ask me whether you can have them. If I say yes, wait until I’ve paid for them before you take them.”

In this way, you’re teaching the child respect for others’ things, demonstrating the manners he needs when he asks for something and helping him learn to delay gratification.

It’s also important to explain why such rules are necessary – “to protect others’ toys the way you want to protect yours.” Help him see your point of view: You can’t allow him to take others’ possessions.

Then ask him how he plans to handle the situation, to give part of the responsibility of limits to him. If he can come up with a satisfactory solution, you can give him credit. Finally, and most important, when he succeeds, be sure to let him know you’re proud of him.

If stealing continues, look for possible underlying reasons. Is the child guilty and frightened and reacting by a sort of repetition-compulsion? Is he so insecure that he needs others’ possessions to make him feel like a whole person? Do others already disapprove of him and label him?

If he repeats his acts of stealing, he may be asking you for therapy. Don’t wait until he feels like a failure and the labels stick. Seek outside help. Your child’s doctor or the child psychiatry department at a teaching hospital can make a referral.

(This article is adapted from “Touchpoints: Birth to Three,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

THE DOCTOR-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
THE DOCTOR-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Routine visits are opportunities for me to develop a relationship with the child and the parents right from the start.

I never expect a baby between the ages of 9 months and 3 years to leave her mother’s lap for an examination. When I recognize the child’s need to be close to a parent, the child knows I respect her.

I never look the child directly in the face or ask for her to accept me. In this period, I gradually approach her, using a doll or teddy and her parent to show what I am about to do – like using the stethoscope.

I make a big effort to get a slightly older child to want to come to my office – loading it with toys, a fish tank, a climbing gym, a flexible cloth tunnel to crawl through, and a rock collection, and I offer stickers and plastic rings (for children old enough not to swallow them) that they can show off as tokens of their bravery.

As the child comes into my office, I watch to see how comfortable she is. If she’s frightened about me, I know that. Giving her time to get used to me is respectful. The time is well worth it. She’ll be far easier to examine. Her parents will be less hesitant to warn me of potentially serious problems – early – once they’ve seen this demonstration of my concern for their child’s comfort.

As I examine the child in her parent’s lap, I urge her to listen to my chest. We’re sharing the experience and she knows it. She also knows that I respect her privacy and her natural anxiety about being examined. We’re setting the stage now for a long future relationship.

I comment on the child’s temperament and mode of play. She knows I understand her. She listens. Anything her parents and I need to discuss is talked about in front of her, and I try to put it in her terms. I want her to understand what we are talking about. No secrets! I prepare her for a shot, honestly, and urge her to cry and to protect herself. After it’s over, I congratulate her on her success.

As a child gets older, at 4 or 5, I may even urge her to ask her own questions and to call me on the phone. She won’t yet. But by 6 or 7, she will.

We can discuss her illness between us, though of course I won’t leave the parents out. In later years, when she’ll let me see her alone, we can share confidences without its being a triangle – though she, her parents and I all know that I will help her to tell them what she needs to.

I believe in sharing all I know about each illness with the children themselves. My goal is to help them take an active role in conquering their own diseases. If they can call or talk with me, and carry out my advice, this lesson will stay with them. When they recover, I can congratulate them: “Look how you knew what to do – and it worked!”

When children must go to the hospital, it becomes even more critical that a physician explain the reasons and the procedures in front of the child. We have found that preparation for acute or chronic hospitalization cuts down on the child’s anxiety in the hospital, shortens the child’s recovery time and reduces the symptoms of anxiety afterward.

In my office practice, the best reward for me at the end of a busy day always came when I heard a child’s chortle of delight as she rushed in to see me and my familiar toys. Then I knew we were off to a good start.

Sharing Responsibilities

  1. Seek to establish a trusting, respectful relationship between your child and her doctor. You must do your part as well. It’s is no help to enter the office saying, “He’s going to cry” or “She hates coming to see the doctor.”
  2. Prepare the child ahead of time, truthfully, and with reassurance about what is likely to happen.
  3. Remind her that you’ll be there, and that it’s her own doctor who wants to be her friend. The doctor knows how to help her when she’s well and when she’s not. It’s surprising to me how much it helps a child’s self-esteem to learn to trust her physician. Working with a pediatrician is a mutual job of learning what you can – and can’t – get from each other. You must demonstrate respect, and you deserve respect in return. Both of you have the same goal – a healthy, competent, confident child!

(This article is adapted from “Touchpoints: Birth to Three,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

PUTTING NIGHTTIME FEARS TO REST

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PUTTING NIGHTTIME FEARS TO REST
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Awareness of her own power brings new fears to a 4-year-old. She becomes more aware that she’s a small child, a part of a larger world, dependent on her parents or others at critical times. Her new understanding makes her conscious of her limitations. She feels pulled between this sense of dependence and a desire to master her world that propels her onward.

Play and fantasy are powerful ways to work this out. The child’s ability to verbalize and reason makes her fantasies more elaborate.

But these vivid fantasies lead to fears and bad dreams. “I dreamt of a witch in my closet.” “I know there’s no monster in my room, but I feel it.”

The monsters and witches may also represent the strain of facing “new” feelings. Becoming aware of powerful negative and aggressive impulses can be frightening. A parent can help her accept them. But to master them, the child needs to learn, gradually, the difference between having a feeling and acting on it.

Fears and nightmares are common in 4-, 5- and 6-year-olds. Children worry about “bad guys,” witches, lions, tigers and monsters.

These night problems occur at the same time as a fear of dogs, loud noises, sirens and ambulances. Such problems herald the child’s more openly aggressive feelings, which frighten her when they seem echoed by forces beyond her control.

At this stage, children want to test their own limits more openly. They want to act out aggressive and rebellious play. Such feelings are important to a child’s personality and sense of security. They need to know they can feel angry and not lose control.

Firm discipline and consistent limits are reassuring to a child at this time: “You may not wander around the house at night. I may well have to fix your door. I can come to you, but you can’t come out alone.”

What helps a child learn to cope with fears and nightmares?

  1. Comfort the child and take the fears seriously, but don’t add your own anxiety to hers.
  2. Look under the bed and in the closet. Let her understand that this is for her comfort, not because you really think there is any danger.
  3. Set firm limits on bedtime. They’re reassuring.
  4. Don’t forget the power of a comforting lovey.
  5. Help a child learn how to soothe herself when she wakes in fear. She can distract herself by singing songs, making up stories or thinking pleasant thoughts. In modified form, adapted to other situations, she will use these skills for the rest of her life.
  6. Help the child learn “safe” aggression during the day. Modeling your own ways of handling your aggression becomes even more important. Talk about them with the child when they occur.
  7. Read fairy tales together. They encourage young children to face their own fears and angry feelings. Or read, among many others, “There’s a Nightmare in My Closet,” by Mercer Mayer; “Where the Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendak; and “Much Bigger Than Martin,” by Steven Kellogg.

Books allow a child to face and eventually master such feelings: She can turn the pages at her own pace, study a picture as long as she likes, go backward or close the book tight. Television and movies have a pace of their own – they present scary situations too vividly and fail to respect the child’s need to control how much she is able to confront.

(This article is adapted from “Touchpoints: Three to Six,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

HELPING A CHILD ADJUST TO THE NEW BABY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
HELPING A CHILD ADJUST TO THE NEW BABY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

When you arrive home with the new baby in your family, I’d suggest that you have a new and special toy ready to give your older child – preferably a baby of his own that he can feed and diaper while you care for your baby. If he’s more interested in trucks, give him one that he can hold, fuel and wash. This is a chance for him to model on your nurturing.

Don’t be afraid to set limits on how much he can handle the new baby. Limits will be reassuring for him as his feelings about her come to the surface.

If he wants to hold her “like you do,” ask him to sit in a chair. You will need to stay right by his side. You can show him how to put one hand under her neck and head to protect her. He will be learning how to “be a big brother.”

If the older child soon loses interest in being a big brother, don’t be surprised, and don’t make too much of it. Though he may at times be proud of his new role, it’ll be a burden for him, too. Instead, expect him to want to be your baby again. Let him.

Many children who are just discovering what it means to be an older sibling begin to be cruel to the dog or cat. Stop your child firmly but gently, and let him know that you can’t allow this. Help him with his feelings by letting him know that his anger is understandable even though he can’t take it out on the pet.

It won’t help if these feelings are allowed to go underground. An older child is likely to feel that the new baby has displaced him because he was not “good enough.”

A 3- or 4-year-old can often recall mischief that made you angry and led you, in his mind, to want to replace him.

A child of 6 or 7 or older may just ignore the baby – and you. He may even seem to disappear because he’s spending more time with his friends, or dawdling on his way home from school.

Instead of being your companion as you get to know the baby, he seems to want to avoid you to punish you. Time alone with you and your willingness to listen and answer questions will be all the more important.

How to Help an Older Child Adjust to the New Baby

  • Let the older child know how much you’ve missed him.
  • Let him know that the baby has been added to the family and is not a replacement: “Now you have a brand new baby sister. But nobody could ever be just like you!”
  • Hold him close, and remind him of experiences you’ve shared and will share again.
  • Be ready for his need to fall back on old behavior you’d thought he’d outgrown. Don’t expect too much of him right now.
  • If he pushes you to discipline him, remember that limits can be especially reassuring to him with the new baby around. Limits mean to him that his parents “haven’t changed, still love me and will stop me when I need it.”
  • Don’t urge him to be “such a good big brother.” This job won’t always seem so appealing. It will mean more when he finds his own motivation to fill the role.
  • Guard against wanting him to grow up too fast. He will grow up when he’s ready. And his younger sibling is already pushing him enough.

(This article is adapted from “Understanding Sibling Rivalry” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

ANNUAL CONFERENCE 2018

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Event Phone: 207-375-8184

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  • MeAIMH Annual Conference 2018
     May 18, 2018
     8:15 am - 4:00 pm

MeAIMH Annual Training Conference REGISTRATION IS NOW OPEN For our 31st Annual Conference May 18, 2018 8:15 AM – 4:00 PM Hilton Garden Inn Freeport Downtown 5 Park St., Freeport, Maine Finding the Hope and Strengths In Substance-Exposed Young Families Featuring: Jayne Singer, PhD Developmental Medicine Center, Boston Children’s Hospital Faculty & Founder Early Care Read more