FamiliesToday

PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

(ATTENTION EDITORS: A reader’s comment about “‘voluntary’ irresponsible parents” prompts further dialogue on a topic that reflects current events: teenage pregnancy. T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D., help define the terms of the problem – and the solution).

A recent column on why it takes a village – parents and community, including government – to raise a child prompts this reply.

Q. All the possible situations which exist where families need the assistance of the community to raise their children are valid. However, if it were not for all of the “voluntary” irresponsible parents, there would be enough money and manpower to help the children.

In New Orleans, as in many, many cities, some people have children starting at the age of 13 or 14 and go on to have many children only half-related. These parents, usually mothers, are waiting in the line to get free Christmas presents for their children, and are already pregnant with the next one that they cannot afford and do not intend being responsible for.

All the young men who are arrested for heinous crimes – murder, rape, armed robbery, etc. – began their criminal careers as young as 8, and were almost exclusively the children of these very young unwed mothers.

The only way the “village” would work is if these children were taken away from these “mothers” and raised in loving group homes where their needs would be met.
Then, make the mothers work every day like all the responsible parents do, and contribute to their children’s expenses. Also, determine by DNA or any other means who the fathers are and make them contribute to their children.

It’s pitiful watching these young children running the streets on school days and getting into so much trouble at a very young age. But, the government just making more “programs” available to the voluntarily irresponsible parents will just create more of them.

A. The reportedly unintended pregnancy of the teenage daughter of vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin might be worth factoring into your thinking about “voluntarily irresponsible” parents. Young adolescents’ new capacity for reproduction does not suddenly endow them with the maturity to know how to use it, nor the abilities to function as responsible parents. Perhaps the “forgiveness” this family is being offered by those who presume to judge can be spread across party and other dividing lines.

You say that there are enough 13- or 14-year-old “voluntary irresponsible” parents to spend all the money for services that “responsible parents” need. We agree with you that there are far too many children born to parents too young to care for them. Yet overall teenage pregnancy rates fell from 1990 to 2004 – after which funding cuts hit harder. The number of teen parents is small compared to the number of adults raising children in poverty, and the dollars spent on them are less too. Still, we can cut costs and suffering by investing in these children’s futures before their problems begin.

You conclude that “more programs” will just create more irresponsible parents – a generalization that cannot be responsibly made without being informed about a very large number of programs. The problem is not “more” vs. “less” programs, but misguided vs. well planned and executed ones.

Political debate is crippled by slogans like “more” or “less” programs, “big” or “small” government. Those who oppose some programs label them “big” government, while at the same time pushing for big spending on the ones they want.

On either side of those empty arguments, what people really want is a government capable of doing what they believe is necessary, whether it is protecting our borders from illegal immigration and our nation from terrorism, keeping our levees and bridges strong and safe, or preventing teenage pregnancy and child abuse – these are all “big” programs, and none of them will work if they’re not done well.

What we need is not “less” or “more,” but government and programs that work. The drop in teenage pregnancy rates is at least partly due to effective programs that are successful in preventing teenage pregnancies, in stopping adolescents from becoming parents before they are ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. One such program is the Children’s Aid Society Carrera Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention Program (www.stopteenagepregnancy.com).

Dr. Michael Carrera’s program has been replicated around the country. We think it would be worth your while to learn about programs like his and how they work. Rather than simply blaming these children (and their parents) for their unintended pregnancies, Carrera has gotten to know some of them, to understand why they do this. Without understanding the cause of the problem, we won’t find the solution. Blame won’t help us get there.

Carrera has learned that many of these children raised in poverty are convinced that they are worthless, and that there is no future for them to live for. To many of them it seems pointless to work hard to get ahead, to wait until later to have babies, because in their world, there is no later. But Carrera has found that by helping these children discover their gifts and develop their talents in carefully designed after-school programs, he can help them begin to reach for their own future.

“Hope is a powerful contraceptive,” Carrera says. When these children discover their own potential in these programs, they are less likely to become pregnant, and more likely to stay on track in high school.

Instead of giving up on them, we can help them believe in our uniquely American Dream.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

WHY IT SOMETIMES TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHY IT SOMETIMES TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My wife has been an elementary teacher for many years, the last 20 years teaching first grade, and probably the one primary need of most of the children is responsible parents. One of the primary problems is that there often is only one parent and in many cases there is no responsible parent.

Politicians are not the answer to providing for the needs of children. Politicians and the government are the crutch. Parents who accept and meet their responsibilities are the answer to meeting the needs of their children.

A. Thank you for this important question. Of course parents should be responsible for the needs of their children, and nothing we have written would suggest otherwise. But what happens when parents are not able to be responsible? Are children simply to be left to be victims of this situation?

What if there are causes beyond parents’ control that leave them unable to provide for their children’s needs? What about our military men and women? When one parent is deployed, the other is left alone to provide for the children. The challenge is infinitely harder since the whole family is always wondering if, when and in what condition the other parent will ever return.

In some military families, both parents are deployed at the same time! When parents are giving their lives for their country, don’t you think the rest of us have a responsibility to pitch in and help out?

There are countless situations in which responsible parents cannot provide for their children – because of some misfortune that befalls them, or their child. Some parents have problems that may make it hard for them to take responsibility for their children, including serious illness or physical disabilities, but can do the job if they get the help they need.

Some children have medical problems so complex and so compromising that no set of parents could provide for their needs all alone. Parents may be competent, caring, honest and hardworking, but their jobs may not provide them with health insurance for their children. Very few parents indeed can afford to pay for the treatment of a seriously ill child.

Sometimes help beyond the immediate family is the only way. What would be wrong with that? A whole community in Indiana rallied around a family with newborn quintuplets – and the whole community shared in the family’s pride and joy! There are some challenges that families can’t possibly handle on their own – for example, a child or a parent with cancer. And what about the resources the family possesses to face their challenges?

An isolated two-parent family might be completely overwhelmed by a child’s illness that a single parent with lots of support from aunts and uncles and grandparents might more readily handle.

We recently read about two hardworking parents of a child with cancer who live in a rural community a hundred miles from medical care and can no longer afford the gas to get there? (In this case, the cancer was caused by a local uranium mine that left exposed radioactive mineral nearby.) Of course the child’s illness is not their fault, nor is the energy crisis. They cannot change either all by themselves.

Your wife was a schoolteacher for more than 20 years. For many families in your community, she must be a hero. If she taught in public schools, then her salary, health insurance, and retirement pension were paid by your neighbors’ tax dollars, while she was helping out their children. Most of them probably need to work, and couldn’t afford to home-school their children even if they’d wanted to. Don’t we need to help each other raise our families?

We agree that politicians and government have plenty of problems. But would you want families in this country to raise their children without heroes like your wife, police and firemen?

Parents’ responsibility alone cannot build the schools, and provide the national security that we need to raise our children. In most parts of the country we need to put our resources together in order to have running water and sewers for our families, and roads and bridges for the school buses that bring our children to school. Parental responsibility is, of course, absolutely necessary, we agree. But it is not enough to raise a family.

More and more parents these days are facing foreclosures, skimping on food and medical care in order to buy gas to get to work. Many AmerIcans are now demanding that our government step in and take action to bring gas prices down and help them hold on to their homes. Some of our country’s problems are too big right now for any family to take on alone.

Government makes a lot of mistakes, creates a lot of problems, and wastes a lot of our tax dollars. But we do need some way of coming together to take care of big issues – like gas prices, health insurance, and the housing crisis. Because, as Winston Churchill once said about democracy, government is the worst of all possible alternatives, except for all the others.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

DAY CARE CONCERNS; AND A TEASING PROBLEM

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
DAY CARE CONCERNS; AND A TEASING PROBLEM
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

DAY CARE CONCERNS

Q. I am working in Dubai. My daughter is 15 months old and living with my family in India. Day care and kindergarten aren’t available near my family. Can you give me some idea about what is taught in day care and kindergarten? Are they really important? Will they really help my child’s education?

A. How tough for all of you to have to be apart! For so many families, scarce work opportunities force a parent to leave spouse and young children for employment in a foreign country. It would mean so much for your family to know that even at such a distance you are thinking about how to make the best life you can for your baby girl. We hope they read this too!

Day care is a solution for working families where there is no community or extended family to take up the slack with the child. Since she is in India and with your family, you may be able to comfort yourself with the oft-quoted but still true statement, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

She can learn a great deal from the adults around her: about herself, her emotions and those of others, and all the complexities of language and — even before she speaks — nonverbal communication. In her interactions with those who take care of her she is already learning to pay attention, calm herself down when she gets upset, try again when she fails, and so many other basic skills that any child needs to become a successful learner.

These will give her a firm base when she does get a chance to enter a school situation, hopefully by the time she is 4, if kindergarten is available where your family lives. (In the United States we often forget how many children around the world still don’t have access to primary education!)

Children 3 and 4 years old need to have an opportunity to learn how to get along with other children, how to share and take turns, to understand themselves and care about each other. These are also important early steps for children to be ready to learn. We have a term, “emotional learning,” that expresses how important the child’s social and emotional development is as a base for cognitive learning.

Can you trust your family and the community they live in to give her these? Then she won’t miss out on these important experiences if she can’t be in day care or in preschool.

A TEASING PROBLEM

Q. I have a 3-year-old son. We carpool to his preschool with a neighborhood boy the same age. One afternoon a week, the boys have an after-school play date. My son used to look forward to seeing the other boy. Recently, however, the other boy started telling my son he doesn’t like him. It doesn’t occur during a heated exchange, but rather just in ordinary situations, like while they are eating lunch. It has gotten to the point where my son will ask him, “Do you like me today?” The boy always says, “No”.

My son’s feelings are obviously hurt, but I think he handles it fairly well. Some mornings he doesn’t want to ride to school with the other boy. I tell him that he just needs to be himself and others will like him — and that what matters is that he likes himself.

Is this normal 3-year-old behavior? Or is it a situation I should remove my son from?

A. Some teasing can be destructive, but other teasing is normal, a child’s way to work on understanding language, behavior, feelings, other people, relationships — so much to learn! This does seem like pretty normal teasing for 3 year olds — figuring out themselves and each other.

At 3, a child is working very hard to figure out what “liking someone else” even means! You might just ask your child what he thinks, and what he thinks the other boy is thinking when he says those words. If you take the teasing too seriously it may make your child feel that the boy’s statements are more powerful than they are, and may make him more vulnerable and less able to handle them.

It seems as if the other child is trying to test out the possibility of dominating him. If your boy gets upset, he accepts the domination. Instead, you could encourage him to say, “I don’t care, I don’t like you either. I want friends who like me. I don’t need friends who don’t.”

The two boys may get over this rough patch in their relationship. If they don’t, they’ll still need to put up with each other in the car! In the meantime, you can try to find other children with whom he can feel liked.

If a child can learn to stand up for himself at this age, he is less likely to be vulnerable to the more serious teasing and bullying that may lie ahead in the school years to come. Bullies look for children who give the impression that they expect to be victimized. This is an early opportunity for you to help your child learn to make it clear that he does not.

You are absolutely right in wanting him to like himself. Congratulate him on not being upset by the other child’s attempt to dominate him. So far, so good! (See our book “Mastering Anger and Aggression: the Brazelton Way” (Da Capo 2005) for more suggestions on how to handle teasing.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO NEEDS TO LEARN SOME LIMITS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO NEEDS TO LEARN SOME LIMITS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My son is almost 5 years old and an only child. He loves to talk and interrupts quite often. My husband and I have brought it to his attention numerous times and talked with him about taking turns when speaking, but we have yet to see much improvement. Is it just the age or is there more we should be doing?

Our other concern involves the relationship between our son and another child at school. The two of them have been in preschool together and friends for a couple of years. The other child has begun acting out in negative ways and sometimes tries soliciting others to join in the behavior. When our son has been the target, we have suggested he tell the other child that he does not like the action(s) and then walk away. He is comfortable with walking away (although the other child often persists) but doesn’t want to say anything that might hurt the other child’s feelings. I don’t want to discourage his compassion for others but don’t want him to feel unable to stand up for himself either.

We would like to know how to speak with our son better about both issues.

A. Five years old is indeed an age when children want to intrude, partly to test their new found power over others — adults and peers. The other, more subtle reason for the irresistible urge to break into parents’ conversation arises from what Freud called the “Oedipal” struggle. Children this age want to possess each of you as their own, and may have trouble putting up with the intimacy of your speaking together.

Of course, parents must insist on their need to be in close touch, and a child this age shouldn’t be allowed to interfere, for his sake as well as yours. As much as he wants to interrupt and have you all to himself, he’d feel terrified and out of control if he succeeded! An only child may have an even more difficult time learning that he doesn’t need to be the center of everyone’s attention. He can be adored but not arrogant.

You are right to want to help him, but I sense from your language that you and your husband may feel torn because you find his interruptions hard to resist — maybe even precocious? No matter how compelling he makes himself, if you can consistently insist each time that he wait his turn, you will be teaching him to value other people’s significance.

This kind of sensitivity is priceless, and sometimes seems almost like a lost art. And it sounds as if you are afraid an only child may not have the opportunities to learn to value the rights of others as one would in a larger family, but there isn’t any reason why he can’t. You can start helping him develop this valuable social asset by labeling each interruption: “You are interrupting now. It’s Daddy’s turn. After he’s finished, we will be ready to hear your idea. Meanwhile, Daddy’s idea came first.”

Don’t let a single interruption slip by without doing this, or you’ll be giving him a mixed message — sometimes it’s OK to interrupt, and sometimes it isn’t. It may seem like discipline, but it is in an important cause — learning how to value others, and to listen as well as just to talk. He does sound exciting and it must be intriguing to hear all his ideas. You can reassure him that if he waits his turn you’ll be sure to listen to what he has to say.

Second question: I am not sure what “negative ways” you refer to, but most children at this age begin to “try their wings.” It’s a way of both testing the system and of learning an important goal, how to stop themselves when their wishes are getting out of hand. They may be used to hearing parents say, “I have to stop you until you can stop yourself.”

But at this age they must find out for themselves whether or not you still will, whether or not you still can. For your boy, living vicariously through his friend’s troublemaking may be a safe and appealing way to try this out. Of course, he’s both attracted and repelled. All the other 5-year-olds are, too.

Although you may prefer to say it as all the other child’s fault, if you can face his role in the “negative ways,” you’ll stand a better chance of helping him understand what he’s up to. Let him know that all children are bound to be curious about “getting into trouble,” even though they know they shouldn’t.

You might ask him “How do you feel when you do  “bad stuff’?” With this question, you are not condoning the behavior, but helping him to realize that he feels both excited and guilty if he would go too far. Becoming aware of these guilty feelings is not unhealthy, but instead, a powerful motivation to keep himself under control. His friend may be silently asking the others to help him take this kind of perspective on his mischievous urges and to learn to stop himself.

Walking away, as you suggest, is one way to handle these situations. But as a close friend, he may be able to find other ways to help his friend that will allow him to stand up for himself. “I don’t want to get into trouble. And I don’t want you to either. Because we’re friends.” Warn him that his friend may thump his chest in response, “Scaredy cat! No one’s gonna catch me!” Your son can still stick up for himself and say, “That’s no reason to do bad stuff!”

At this age children should know that breaking rules will lead to punishment. But recognizing the reasons for obeying for rules for their own sake is a whole new world. They will both be learning together, the good and the bad. Then your son can be proud of himself — as a friend, not as a victim.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

CARTOONS; AND ROCKABYE, BABY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
CARTOONS; AND ROCKABYE, BABY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. A fond recollection I have from around the age of 5 was of my mother coming down the street, returning from work, and my calling out to her, loudly but lovingly, “Mammy Yoakum, Mammy Yoakum,” whom you might recall (age permitting) was the pipe-smoking mother to Al Capp’s “Little Abner.”

Cannot tell you how long that had gone on, nor how long it continued nor why. Someone smarter than I might use the word transference in a long sentence. All I know is that for several years she was my Mammy Yoakum.

A. And of course every little boy wanted to be her L’il Abner! I did. What a delightful memory! Why ruin it by psychoanalyzing it? Your mother sounds great, that she could accept the teasing of being called “Mammy Yoakum,” and that you remember her and your boisterous welcome the way you do.

I surely remember L’il Abner and the Al Capp comic strip, as will some of our readers. It is fun to have you respond to our other reader’s question with your own wonderful childhood memories. Sometimes comic strips seemed to carry so much meaning, and other times they didn’t seem to mean much — except that one could picture the whole country sharing the same experience every Sunday morning.

My grandchildren have replaced them with video games, and they aren’t the same. Their video games seem to be reflecting the ominous, dangerous world we have created for them. It makes me sad, and I’d like to return to Mammy Yoakum and Lil Abner and Daisy Mae! Wouldn’t you?

A recent column recommended a rocking chair as a parents’ helper at a child’s bedtime. Here a mother also endorses good rocking tonight.

Q. My younger daughter never had to be told to go to bed when very young: When tired, she would voluntarily go to their bedroom and fall asleep. The older was so tightly wound that she could not fall asleep unless held. Even by grade school she was still having difficulty falling asleep, and would keep her sister awake chatting.

It was at that point that I brought the rocker into their bedroom and began reading to myself while they fell asleep. I read quite a few books that way that otherwise I would never have gotten around to. Eventually they got the knack of relaxing and didn’t need help anymore. This worked very well for us.

A. It always amazes me that two children in the same family — same genetics and same environment — can be so different. I admire your restraint, and your ingenuity.

Instead of blowing up at the older, more tightly strung girl, you found a way to set quiet limits on her difficulty in falling asleep. Your quiet, unreactive presence was more impressive than words would have been. It said to her, “I’m here and I will stay with you until you can learn how to calm yourself down.’

Your measured response physical presence, without holding or rocking — signaled to her: “I can’t do it for you but I can keep you company.” Your quiet presence was just enough to encourage her to keep on trying as she struggled to find her own ways of calming herself.

Learning how to calm herself down is a difficult problem for such a high-geared little person. And yet, it is necessary, as an adjunct to learning how to sleep through the night. We all come up from deep sleep to light sleep every three to four hours through the night.

A child who is temperamentally so reactive is likely to come to full awakening every four hours. Unless she can learn how to help herself relax and find her own way back to sleep, she may grow up unable to sleep through the night. But your ability to leave it to her to find her own pattern of relaxing, will equip her to handle every rousing with her own way — rocking, hugging herself, shifting positions, sucking a thumb — of getting herself back down into deep sleep. Your rocking chair and books were a therapeutic way of letting her solve her own problems in getting to sleep.

One of the biggest challenges of parenthood is this delicate balance between doing just enough for the child and leaving the child just enough room for her to learn and reach new heights. What makes this even more complicated is that the balance is different from one child to the next, and within the same child it is always changing as the child develops. Bravo!

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

 

 

WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BITES HER TWIN

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BITES HER TWIN
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I am a stay-at-home mom of twin girls, age 3 and 1/2; a son, almost 2, and am expecting another little boy in March.

When my girls were around 2, one of them would bite the other. The roles were consistent: One was always the biter; the other was always the victim. I initially reacted the way most parents probably do, with scolding, time outs, etc. None of these responses was effective in stopping the behavior. It was especially distressing to me because of the unique, special relationship of our twins. They love each other so much and clearly demonstrate it all the time — I had a hard time seeing one hurt the other.

All of this biting began when I was trying to give them a little more independence. By age 2, I thought they needed to begin to learn to play and do some activities without me always right there. I set up a play area near the kitchen where they were close by me when I was doing other things. When I really determined to figure out what was going on, I spied on them and realized what was causing the biting.

My little victim is a big tease! She could quietly do something to pick on her sister (which I, in the next room, would be unaware of). Sister would object and try and get her to stop – but the pestering would continue.

With limited communication skills, the only way she could get it to stop was with a bite! Then I would come running when I heard the crying. I was able to explain, “You love your sister and don’t want her to be hurt. Look at the owie you gave her. When she does something naughty, you yell for mommy and I’ll help you. Be as loud as you want! That way mommy will know and I can come help you.”

This worked beautifully for our family. I was concerned it would turn the biter into a “tattletale.” But it didn’t. She only used her “yelling for mommy'” weapon when she really needed it. Soon their communication skills with each other advanced to the point where they only need my intervention on rare occasions. They remain best of friends, yet still have a healthy independence and enjoy playing with other kids, too.

A. Your letter shows how much you have learned about sibling relationships from your careful observation of your twins. First of all you’ve discovered that when, as a parent, you try to figure out who’s to blame, you’re usually wrong! Second, you saw how each twin was taking a different role in their relationship, yet how each had their turn at being victim and victimizer. Third, you saw how siblings handle their ambivalence about their own growing independence.

As you gave them more room to play on their own, they managed to draw you back in by attacking each other. And finally, you learned from your mistakes as a parent– the best way for any of us to learn. You saw that time outs and scolding weren’t working, and questioned your approach and what was really going on. Then you went back to really look again — observing children’s behavior is the only way to really understand them as individuals, and of course you couldn’t really figure out what to do until you did.

To your great credit, you avoided taking sides, and focused on strengthening their relationship. Your strategy of inviting the twin who bit when teased to come to you for help may actually have prevented either of the children from becoming tattletales. After all, a tattletale is not a child who innocently goes to an adult for help when she can’t defend herself against another child. A tattletale is a child who uses this situation in order to win special favors or a preferred role from an adult.

The way you treasured your children’s special closeness — so unique and precious in twins — was bound to keep you from reinforcing this child’s cries for help with unhealthy favoritism. You gave the biter know two very important messages: (1) that you trusted she could give her biting up and that you knew she wasn’t “bad” and (2) that she didn’t have to go on being a victim to her sister’s teasing. And by giving that child an alternative to biting, there was little incentive left for the teaser to tease her. Bravo!

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

WHEN A MOTHER BATHES WITH HER 3-YEAR OLD SON

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A MOTHER BATHES WITH HER 3-YEAR OLD SON
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I like to think I am not a prude yet it bothers me that my daughter-in-law bathes with her 3-year-old son. She started this practice when he was born and it has continued. She is in the bathtub with him and of course they are naked. My son states she did this with her older son (not by this marriage) until age 5 until my son put a stop to it.

If sex roles were reversed and it was my son in the bathtub with a 3-year-old daughter I feel this would be considered taboo.

A. Your daughter-in-law bathes with her 3-year-old son and it bothers you. But you don’t say exactly why. You say that it would be “taboo” for a father to do the same with his 3-year-old daughter. Is it the double standard that bothers you? Or that what your daughter-in-law is doing might be taboo, too? You may be worried about what bathing together means – about the mother, for the child and for their relationship. It is not unnatural for parents to bathe with their infants, and it may be easier to hold them and wash them when there are no worries about getting wet too. Getting out of the tub with a slippery baby in your arms is a challenge, and a hazard, unless there is a dry adult with a dry towel to whom the baby can be carefully handed. Splashing together, playing with rubber ducks and plastic tugboats, or just watching the water as it sloshes and gurgles down the drain are innocent ways to be together. What really matters is what is going on in the bathtub between the mother and child, and for each of them.

By the time a child is 3 or 4, he may be more interested in exploring the differences between his body and others. At that point, an adult’s nudity can be too much, too stimulating, and daunting to the child who is just becoming aware not only of gender differences and related anatomical ones, but also of how small and dependent he really is.

Bathing with a sibling who is no more than a few years older (with a parent nearby) allows a young child to learn about differences without the over-stimulation that adult nudity might entail. But stopping the bathing with the parent can be harder to do and harder for the child to understand once it has become important and compelling to him. This may be the case by 3.

For the mother, this might just be an innocent way of relaxing and being close. But it may be, as you seem to be suggesting, that she is driven by some deeper need that would interfere with her being able to watch her child’s cues, and respect them if this were too much for him.

What can you do? As a mother-in-law, not much – unless you have strong reason to believe that the mother is clearly causing the child harm. Then, it would be your duty to talk about this with your son. If he were unwilling to take action (as he did with the older child) then you could present your concerns to the child’s pediatrician for further investigation, and reporting to child protective authorities if warranted.

But if all you really know is that they are bathing together, then all you can do is gently test out your son’s position on this. More than that might make him think that you are trying to interfere with his relationship with his wife. This could easily backfire and push him away from you, without helping the child – if the child needs help. We doubt your daughter-in-law would be ready to hear you address this intimate issue directly. You might, though, have a general and sympathetic conversation about the challenges of letting a child grow up, and of keeping up as a parent with a child’s changing needs.

If you are asking us to decide if you are a “prude” or not, we can’t. We’re not sure what that word means to you, but think that you are entitled to decide for yourself about your level of comfort with family.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

PARENTS: DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PARENTS: DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I live overseas and looked into all the parenting books, French and English. Yours were the only ones that showed deep faith in the mother and the child. Can you tell me where you got this confidence? Your guidance helped us through those youngest years and played a large role in helping me raise two wonderful, outgoing and sweet kids.

A. Where did my faith in mothers – and in fathers and children – come from? During my 50 years in practice, I saw more than 25,000 families. They taught me most of what I know. From them I learned that parents are the experts on their children, and that we pediatricians and other professionals had better listen to them.

Except in the rarest of cases, parents want to do well by their children. We professionals may not always recognize the positive intent behind parents’ actions – and if not, we need to look again. Sometimes, for example, we may think parents are harsh with their children. Instead, we may be witnessing parents who live in a tough world and are doing their best to prepare their children to be tough enough to handle it.

For humans to survive, nature had to set things up so that parents would make all kinds of sacrifices – ones they never dreamed possible – to keep their fragile new babies alive. Attachment is a powerful biological process. Even a baby’s gaze or cry stimulates changes in certain hormone levels in both parents that help ensure their nurturing responses.

Parents also must innately know pretty much everything they need to, if they’re going to protect their young. If parents needed books, TV shows or the Internet to raise children, we’d never have made it this far.

Fortunately, new parents are naturally primed to take in everything they can about the vulnerable new beings for whom they are responsible, and babies are designed to draw parents in and give them all kinds of information about how they’re doing.

Parents learn how to become parents by trial and error. They are guided by their babies’ behavior, which actually shapes theirs – right from the start. Some people still think that babies are lumps of clay that parents just shape. But babies guide their parents through their own responses, showing them when they get something right or wrong.

I wouldn’t have much confidence in parents and children if biology hadn’t set them up to be so skilled at caring about and learning about each other.

Sometimes when humans try to improve upon nature, we make things worse. During the 1950s, medical science thought that women would do better giving birth while under general anesthesia. Then we learned that babies were anesthetized for days afterward, interfering with their job of teaching their parents what they needed and when – and sometimes even interfering with their breathing.

Next, medical science teamed up with industry to recommend that breast milk be replaced with formula. But breast milk’s special properties could not be reproduced – the antibodies it contains to fight infection, or the way it varies the kinds and quantities of fats within it as the baby grows. Breast milk adjusts to the baby’s changing nutritional needs.

More recently, infant “brain-stimulating” toys have been marketed to parents. Yet nothing is more stimulating for babies than their parents’ ever-changing voices and faces.

Then there are the rigid baby carriers that interfere with the development of babies’ muscles and balance that takes place when their parents carry them against their own bodies.

Perhaps most concerning right now are the smart phones – and the new behaviors and beliefs that go with them about the feasibility and even importance of multitasking. When parents are talking or texting or checking their e-mail, they may not take in the subtle, ongoing messages that their babies’ nonverbal behavior is sending – about what parents need to know to keep growing in their parenting role.

I still have as much confidence in parents and children as ever, but they must not be misled to think that anything can replace what they do naturally to grow together as a family.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.