MeAIMH

A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO NEEDS TO LEARN SOME LIMITS

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A 5-YEAR-OLD WHO NEEDS TO LEARN SOME LIMITS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My son is almost 5 years old and an only child. He loves to talk and interrupts quite often. My husband and I have brought it to his attention numerous times and talked with him about taking turns when speaking, but we have yet to see much improvement. Is it just the age or is there more we should be doing?

Our other concern involves the relationship between our son and another child at school. The two of them have been in preschool together and friends for a couple of years. The other child has begun acting out in negative ways and sometimes tries soliciting others to join in the behavior. When our son has been the target, we have suggested he tell the other child that he does not like the action(s) and then walk away. He is comfortable with walking away (although the other child often persists) but doesn’t want to say anything that might hurt the other child’s feelings. I don’t want to discourage his compassion for others but don’t want him to feel unable to stand up for himself either.

We would like to know how to speak with our son better about both issues.

A. Five years old is indeed an age when children want to intrude, partly to test their new found power over others — adults and peers. The other, more subtle reason for the irresistible urge to break into parents’ conversation arises from what Freud called the “Oedipal” struggle. Children this age want to possess each of you as their own, and may have trouble putting up with the intimacy of your speaking together.

Of course, parents must insist on their need to be in close touch, and a child this age shouldn’t be allowed to interfere, for his sake as well as yours. As much as he wants to interrupt and have you all to himself, he’d feel terrified and out of control if he succeeded! An only child may have an even more difficult time learning that he doesn’t need to be the center of everyone’s attention. He can be adored but not arrogant.

You are right to want to help him, but I sense from your language that you and your husband may feel torn because you find his interruptions hard to resist — maybe even precocious? No matter how compelling he makes himself, if you can consistently insist each time that he wait his turn, you will be teaching him to value other people’s significance.

This kind of sensitivity is priceless, and sometimes seems almost like a lost art. And it sounds as if you are afraid an only child may not have the opportunities to learn to value the rights of others as one would in a larger family, but there isn’t any reason why he can’t. You can start helping him develop this valuable social asset by labeling each interruption: “You are interrupting now. It’s Daddy’s turn. After he’s finished, we will be ready to hear your idea. Meanwhile, Daddy’s idea came first.”

Don’t let a single interruption slip by without doing this, or you’ll be giving him a mixed message — sometimes it’s OK to interrupt, and sometimes it isn’t. It may seem like discipline, but it is in an important cause — learning how to value others, and to listen as well as just to talk. He does sound exciting and it must be intriguing to hear all his ideas. You can reassure him that if he waits his turn you’ll be sure to listen to what he has to say.

Second question: I am not sure what “negative ways” you refer to, but most children at this age begin to “try their wings.” It’s a way of both testing the system and of learning an important goal, how to stop themselves when their wishes are getting out of hand. They may be used to hearing parents say, “I have to stop you until you can stop yourself.”

But at this age they must find out for themselves whether or not you still will, whether or not you still can. For your boy, living vicariously through his friend’s troublemaking may be a safe and appealing way to try this out. Of course, he’s both attracted and repelled. All the other 5-year-olds are, too.

Although you may prefer to say it as all the other child’s fault, if you can face his role in the “negative ways,” you’ll stand a better chance of helping him understand what he’s up to. Let him know that all children are bound to be curious about “getting into trouble,” even though they know they shouldn’t.

You might ask him “How do you feel when you do  “bad stuff’?” With this question, you are not condoning the behavior, but helping him to realize that he feels both excited and guilty if he would go too far. Becoming aware of these guilty feelings is not unhealthy, but instead, a powerful motivation to keep himself under control. His friend may be silently asking the others to help him take this kind of perspective on his mischievous urges and to learn to stop himself.

Walking away, as you suggest, is one way to handle these situations. But as a close friend, he may be able to find other ways to help his friend that will allow him to stand up for himself. “I don’t want to get into trouble. And I don’t want you to either. Because we’re friends.” Warn him that his friend may thump his chest in response, “Scaredy cat! No one’s gonna catch me!” Your son can still stick up for himself and say, “That’s no reason to do bad stuff!”

At this age children should know that breaking rules will lead to punishment. But recognizing the reasons for obeying for rules for their own sake is a whole new world. They will both be learning together, the good and the bad. Then your son can be proud of himself — as a friend, not as a victim.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

CARTOONS; AND ROCKABYE, BABY

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
CARTOONS; AND ROCKABYE, BABY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. A fond recollection I have from around the age of 5 was of my mother coming down the street, returning from work, and my calling out to her, loudly but lovingly, “Mammy Yoakum, Mammy Yoakum,” whom you might recall (age permitting) was the pipe-smoking mother to Al Capp’s “Little Abner.”

Cannot tell you how long that had gone on, nor how long it continued nor why. Someone smarter than I might use the word transference in a long sentence. All I know is that for several years she was my Mammy Yoakum.

A. And of course every little boy wanted to be her L’il Abner! I did. What a delightful memory! Why ruin it by psychoanalyzing it? Your mother sounds great, that she could accept the teasing of being called “Mammy Yoakum,” and that you remember her and your boisterous welcome the way you do.

I surely remember L’il Abner and the Al Capp comic strip, as will some of our readers. It is fun to have you respond to our other reader’s question with your own wonderful childhood memories. Sometimes comic strips seemed to carry so much meaning, and other times they didn’t seem to mean much — except that one could picture the whole country sharing the same experience every Sunday morning.

My grandchildren have replaced them with video games, and they aren’t the same. Their video games seem to be reflecting the ominous, dangerous world we have created for them. It makes me sad, and I’d like to return to Mammy Yoakum and Lil Abner and Daisy Mae! Wouldn’t you?

A recent column recommended a rocking chair as a parents’ helper at a child’s bedtime. Here a mother also endorses good rocking tonight.

Q. My younger daughter never had to be told to go to bed when very young: When tired, she would voluntarily go to their bedroom and fall asleep. The older was so tightly wound that she could not fall asleep unless held. Even by grade school she was still having difficulty falling asleep, and would keep her sister awake chatting.

It was at that point that I brought the rocker into their bedroom and began reading to myself while they fell asleep. I read quite a few books that way that otherwise I would never have gotten around to. Eventually they got the knack of relaxing and didn’t need help anymore. This worked very well for us.

A. It always amazes me that two children in the same family — same genetics and same environment — can be so different. I admire your restraint, and your ingenuity.

Instead of blowing up at the older, more tightly strung girl, you found a way to set quiet limits on her difficulty in falling asleep. Your quiet, unreactive presence was more impressive than words would have been. It said to her, “I’m here and I will stay with you until you can learn how to calm yourself down.’

Your measured response physical presence, without holding or rocking — signaled to her: “I can’t do it for you but I can keep you company.” Your quiet presence was just enough to encourage her to keep on trying as she struggled to find her own ways of calming herself.

Learning how to calm herself down is a difficult problem for such a high-geared little person. And yet, it is necessary, as an adjunct to learning how to sleep through the night. We all come up from deep sleep to light sleep every three to four hours through the night.

A child who is temperamentally so reactive is likely to come to full awakening every four hours. Unless she can learn how to help herself relax and find her own way back to sleep, she may grow up unable to sleep through the night. But your ability to leave it to her to find her own pattern of relaxing, will equip her to handle every rousing with her own way — rocking, hugging herself, shifting positions, sucking a thumb — of getting herself back down into deep sleep. Your rocking chair and books were a therapeutic way of letting her solve her own problems in getting to sleep.

One of the biggest challenges of parenthood is this delicate balance between doing just enough for the child and leaving the child just enough room for her to learn and reach new heights. What makes this even more complicated is that the balance is different from one child to the next, and within the same child it is always changing as the child develops. Bravo!

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

 

 

WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BITES HER TWIN

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BITES HER TWIN
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I am a stay-at-home mom of twin girls, age 3 and 1/2; a son, almost 2, and am expecting another little boy in March.

When my girls were around 2, one of them would bite the other. The roles were consistent: One was always the biter; the other was always the victim. I initially reacted the way most parents probably do, with scolding, time outs, etc. None of these responses was effective in stopping the behavior. It was especially distressing to me because of the unique, special relationship of our twins. They love each other so much and clearly demonstrate it all the time — I had a hard time seeing one hurt the other.

All of this biting began when I was trying to give them a little more independence. By age 2, I thought they needed to begin to learn to play and do some activities without me always right there. I set up a play area near the kitchen where they were close by me when I was doing other things. When I really determined to figure out what was going on, I spied on them and realized what was causing the biting.

My little victim is a big tease! She could quietly do something to pick on her sister (which I, in the next room, would be unaware of). Sister would object and try and get her to stop – but the pestering would continue.

With limited communication skills, the only way she could get it to stop was with a bite! Then I would come running when I heard the crying. I was able to explain, “You love your sister and don’t want her to be hurt. Look at the owie you gave her. When she does something naughty, you yell for mommy and I’ll help you. Be as loud as you want! That way mommy will know and I can come help you.”

This worked beautifully for our family. I was concerned it would turn the biter into a “tattletale.” But it didn’t. She only used her “yelling for mommy'” weapon when she really needed it. Soon their communication skills with each other advanced to the point where they only need my intervention on rare occasions. They remain best of friends, yet still have a healthy independence and enjoy playing with other kids, too.

A. Your letter shows how much you have learned about sibling relationships from your careful observation of your twins. First of all you’ve discovered that when, as a parent, you try to figure out who’s to blame, you’re usually wrong! Second, you saw how each twin was taking a different role in their relationship, yet how each had their turn at being victim and victimizer. Third, you saw how siblings handle their ambivalence about their own growing independence.

As you gave them more room to play on their own, they managed to draw you back in by attacking each other. And finally, you learned from your mistakes as a parent– the best way for any of us to learn. You saw that time outs and scolding weren’t working, and questioned your approach and what was really going on. Then you went back to really look again — observing children’s behavior is the only way to really understand them as individuals, and of course you couldn’t really figure out what to do until you did.

To your great credit, you avoided taking sides, and focused on strengthening their relationship. Your strategy of inviting the twin who bit when teased to come to you for help may actually have prevented either of the children from becoming tattletales. After all, a tattletale is not a child who innocently goes to an adult for help when she can’t defend herself against another child. A tattletale is a child who uses this situation in order to win special favors or a preferred role from an adult.

The way you treasured your children’s special closeness — so unique and precious in twins — was bound to keep you from reinforcing this child’s cries for help with unhealthy favoritism. You gave the biter know two very important messages: (1) that you trusted she could give her biting up and that you knew she wasn’t “bad” and (2) that she didn’t have to go on being a victim to her sister’s teasing. And by giving that child an alternative to biting, there was little incentive left for the teaser to tease her. Bravo!

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

WHEN A MOTHER BATHES WITH HER 3-YEAR OLD SON

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A MOTHER BATHES WITH HER 3-YEAR OLD SON
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I like to think I am not a prude yet it bothers me that my daughter-in-law bathes with her 3-year-old son. She started this practice when he was born and it has continued. She is in the bathtub with him and of course they are naked. My son states she did this with her older son (not by this marriage) until age 5 until my son put a stop to it.

If sex roles were reversed and it was my son in the bathtub with a 3-year-old daughter I feel this would be considered taboo.

A. Your daughter-in-law bathes with her 3-year-old son and it bothers you. But you don’t say exactly why. You say that it would be “taboo” for a father to do the same with his 3-year-old daughter. Is it the double standard that bothers you? Or that what your daughter-in-law is doing might be taboo, too? You may be worried about what bathing together means – about the mother, for the child and for their relationship. It is not unnatural for parents to bathe with their infants, and it may be easier to hold them and wash them when there are no worries about getting wet too. Getting out of the tub with a slippery baby in your arms is a challenge, and a hazard, unless there is a dry adult with a dry towel to whom the baby can be carefully handed. Splashing together, playing with rubber ducks and plastic tugboats, or just watching the water as it sloshes and gurgles down the drain are innocent ways to be together. What really matters is what is going on in the bathtub between the mother and child, and for each of them.

By the time a child is 3 or 4, he may be more interested in exploring the differences between his body and others. At that point, an adult’s nudity can be too much, too stimulating, and daunting to the child who is just becoming aware not only of gender differences and related anatomical ones, but also of how small and dependent he really is.

Bathing with a sibling who is no more than a few years older (with a parent nearby) allows a young child to learn about differences without the over-stimulation that adult nudity might entail. But stopping the bathing with the parent can be harder to do and harder for the child to understand once it has become important and compelling to him. This may be the case by 3.

For the mother, this might just be an innocent way of relaxing and being close. But it may be, as you seem to be suggesting, that she is driven by some deeper need that would interfere with her being able to watch her child’s cues, and respect them if this were too much for him.

What can you do? As a mother-in-law, not much – unless you have strong reason to believe that the mother is clearly causing the child harm. Then, it would be your duty to talk about this with your son. If he were unwilling to take action (as he did with the older child) then you could present your concerns to the child’s pediatrician for further investigation, and reporting to child protective authorities if warranted.

But if all you really know is that they are bathing together, then all you can do is gently test out your son’s position on this. More than that might make him think that you are trying to interfere with his relationship with his wife. This could easily backfire and push him away from you, without helping the child – if the child needs help. We doubt your daughter-in-law would be ready to hear you address this intimate issue directly. You might, though, have a general and sympathetic conversation about the challenges of letting a child grow up, and of keeping up as a parent with a child’s changing needs.

If you are asking us to decide if you are a “prude” or not, we can’t. We’re not sure what that word means to you, but think that you are entitled to decide for yourself about your level of comfort with family.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

PARENTS: DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PARENTS: DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. I live overseas and looked into all the parenting books, French and English. Yours were the only ones that showed deep faith in the mother and the child. Can you tell me where you got this confidence? Your guidance helped us through those youngest years and played a large role in helping me raise two wonderful, outgoing and sweet kids.

A. Where did my faith in mothers – and in fathers and children – come from? During my 50 years in practice, I saw more than 25,000 families. They taught me most of what I know. From them I learned that parents are the experts on their children, and that we pediatricians and other professionals had better listen to them.

Except in the rarest of cases, parents want to do well by their children. We professionals may not always recognize the positive intent behind parents’ actions – and if not, we need to look again. Sometimes, for example, we may think parents are harsh with their children. Instead, we may be witnessing parents who live in a tough world and are doing their best to prepare their children to be tough enough to handle it.

For humans to survive, nature had to set things up so that parents would make all kinds of sacrifices – ones they never dreamed possible – to keep their fragile new babies alive. Attachment is a powerful biological process. Even a baby’s gaze or cry stimulates changes in certain hormone levels in both parents that help ensure their nurturing responses.

Parents also must innately know pretty much everything they need to, if they’re going to protect their young. If parents needed books, TV shows or the Internet to raise children, we’d never have made it this far.

Fortunately, new parents are naturally primed to take in everything they can about the vulnerable new beings for whom they are responsible, and babies are designed to draw parents in and give them all kinds of information about how they’re doing.

Parents learn how to become parents by trial and error. They are guided by their babies’ behavior, which actually shapes theirs – right from the start. Some people still think that babies are lumps of clay that parents just shape. But babies guide their parents through their own responses, showing them when they get something right or wrong.

I wouldn’t have much confidence in parents and children if biology hadn’t set them up to be so skilled at caring about and learning about each other.

Sometimes when humans try to improve upon nature, we make things worse. During the 1950s, medical science thought that women would do better giving birth while under general anesthesia. Then we learned that babies were anesthetized for days afterward, interfering with their job of teaching their parents what they needed and when – and sometimes even interfering with their breathing.

Next, medical science teamed up with industry to recommend that breast milk be replaced with formula. But breast milk’s special properties could not be reproduced – the antibodies it contains to fight infection, or the way it varies the kinds and quantities of fats within it as the baby grows. Breast milk adjusts to the baby’s changing nutritional needs.

More recently, infant “brain-stimulating” toys have been marketed to parents. Yet nothing is more stimulating for babies than their parents’ ever-changing voices and faces.

Then there are the rigid baby carriers that interfere with the development of babies’ muscles and balance that takes place when their parents carry them against their own bodies.

Perhaps most concerning right now are the smart phones – and the new behaviors and beliefs that go with them about the feasibility and even importance of multitasking. When parents are talking or texting or checking their e-mail, they may not take in the subtle, ongoing messages that their babies’ nonverbal behavior is sending – about what parents need to know to keep growing in their parenting role.

I still have as much confidence in parents and children as ever, but they must not be misled to think that anything can replace what they do naturally to grow together as a family.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

6 YEAR-OLD WHO WON’T EAT MEAT

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
6 YEAR-OLD WHO WON’T EAT MEAT
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My 6-year-old son will not eat meat, chicken or cheese. Is half a peanut-butter sandwich, one yogurt and one glass of milk enough protein for a day? He eats plenty of fruits and several vegetables.

A. A few simple rules apply to nutrition and growth.

A child whose height and weight stay on his growth curve at each checkup is consuming enough calories.

For example, a child who has always been at the 25th percentile for weight on the standard growth chart should continue on that percentile over time. If he drops below it, he may not be eating enough calories, or may have a medical problem interfering with growth. A child’s height is determined not only by nutrition but also by his parents’ height.

Children are naturally programmed to seek the foods they need for healthy growth and nutrition. Processed foods that are unnaturally sweet, salty or fatty undermine that ability.

Around the world, a robust variety of healthy diets balance human needs with local foods. These diets typically include different kinds of foods. Many cultures have developed diets with small amounts of meats (the most costly protein source) and larger amounts of vegetables and grains.

Children’s taste preferences mature and broaden with time. A child who rejects a food early on may learn to like it later. Many children need to be presented with the same food up to 15 times before they’ll even try it.

Children’s interactions with the adults who feed them also drive what and how much they eat. Parents’ sense of urgency about feeding their child can backfire. A child is bound to react to pressure by becoming even pickier.

The menu can turn the kitchen into a battlefield. But healthy eating is more likely when mealtimes are relaxed occasions, with no pressure about food.

If the otherwise healthy child doesn’t like a particular food, he’ll just have to eat what’s on his plate or wait until the next meal.

A child’s nutritional requirements vary by age, gender, height, weight, metabolism and activity level. Protein requirements also depend on total daily calories.

Eating enough calories every day allows a child’s body to use proteins for growth instead of breaking them down to provide energy.

Milk, yogurt and peanut butter all contain proteins, as do eggs. Alternative sources include soy foods (soy milk, tofu, tempeh and ice cream). Children who don’t eat meat, fish, poultry, eggs and dairy products may need 1 to 9 grams more of protein per day than those who do.

Check with your pediatrician about your child’s protein requirements.

Children’s daily nutrition guidelines:

“The Pediatric Nutrition Handbook,” edited by Ronald E. Kleinman, M.D., offers these daily nutritional guidelines for 7- to 12-year-olds:

  • 24 to 32 ounces per day of milk or other dairy products. 1/2 cup of milk can be replaced with 1/2 to 3/4 ounces of cheese, or 1/2 cup of yogurt, or 2 1/2 tablespoons of nonfat dry milk stirred into other foods the child likes.
  • 6 to 8 ounces per day of meat, fish or poultry are recommended. 1 ounce of meat, fish or poultry may be replaced with 1 egg, 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, or 4 to 5 tablespoons of cooked legumes such as peas, beans or lentils.
  • 3 to 4 servings of vegetables (each one about 1/4 to 1/2 cup) per day should include a green leafy or yellow or orange vegetable.
  • 1 medium-size portion of fruit or 4 ounces of fruit juice (avoid added sugar, corn syrup or high-fructose sweeteners).
  • 4 to 5 portions of grain (especially whole grain) products such as bread (1 slice equals 1 portion), cereal (1 cup equals 1 portion), pasta, macaroni or rice (1/2 cup equals 1 portion), crackers (5 pieces equals 1 portion), English muffins or bagels (1/2 equal 1 portion), corn grits and the like.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

PEACEMAKING IN LARGE FAMILIES

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PEACEMAKING IN LARGE FAMILIES
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

(NOTE: This article is adapted from Understanding Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group).

It’s no surprise that siblings in a large family often have quite different experiences from those in a small one.

In a large family, the first and last children have special roles. But, if you look closely, so do the middle children. Gender and age differences, along with temperament, can make for unique roles for each child and distinct relationships among siblings.

Large-family siblings must become self-reliant – while relying on each other and managing many relationships simultaneously. They learn about themselves from the others.

The siblings know they are a group and pride themselves on it. When rivalry surfaces, the group either handles it or shoves it underground. At times, though, pride in the pack may be balanced by other feelings: “I get so sick of my brothers and sisters. They’re always around. I wish I could be on my own.”

Others may quickly long to reunite with their siblings. This feeling partly depends on how parents guide their children’s interactions and individuality.

We know a woman, now in her 50s, who was the fifth of eight children, and the only girl: “Daddy made sure we all were at dinner together every night. We went around the table and he asked each of us about our day. Each of us had this time to be special to him.

”When one of us got in trouble, we all paid the price. If it was one kid’s fault, sure we’d be mad. But only for a little while, because we all knew that it could have been any of us. So we’d always stick up for each other. That was what Daddy wanted. “

She and her brothers still live within a few miles of each other. At Christmas, more than 100 children, grandchildren and cousins gather at her father’s house.

One child in a big family may call up a parent’s own memories and experiences, which can become the child’s way of attracting special attention – good or bad.

My wife was a third daughter. She identified with our own third daughter. The other children recognized it: ‘‘you treat her so special.‘` To me the treatment didn’t seem obvious. But a bond linked mother and daughter, left over from the past.

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIPS

Often each sibling has a favorite in the family – based on gender, temperament, birth order or other factors. Favorites single each other out for help and confidences.

When one sibling is emotionally unstable or difficult for peers to accept, siblings in a large family may try to fill the gap. Siblings often connect strongly to such a child and have an uncanny understanding of his needs.

The parent of a 3-year-old with autism always brought an older sibling with him to my office: ”He’ll do things for his brother that he won’t do for me or you. “

Such a channel may not exist. When a child is always on the sidelines and routinely made a scapegoat, parents should seek professional help for him.

FRIENDS AND RIVALS

Sibling rivalry may seem to submerge under the daily hubbub – but it hasn’t vanished. The rivalry in large families may be just as intense as in small ones. Rivalry may even be magnified if the other siblings take sides. The meltdowns are just as disruptive, but when only two siblings are involved, other family members may not pay much attention.

Sometimes two siblings may tease and torture each other so mercilessly that parents have no choice but to step in and break the headlocks.
If the other children have not taken sides, the parents can more easily separate the adversaries and set them to tending chores with a different sibling.

CALMING THE RIVALRY IN LARGE FAMILIES

  1. Maintain perspective. Be mindful of the closeness and mutual dependence beneath sibling struggles.
  2. Watch for the nurturing that the older ones have learned from you. Praise them for it.
  3. Try to make a special time for each child once a week, a ”date“ with one parent or the other, when nothing can interfere. The time need not be long – but keep the promise.
  4. Regular family meals bring everybody together – without the television.
  5. Plan family meetings to share ideas, gripes and rewards. Lay out the family chores and let each child choose one.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BOY INSISTS HE’S A GIRL

by

NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHEN A 3-YEAR-OLD BOY INSISTS HE’S A GIRL
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. How concerned should I be that my very imaginative 3-year-old son insists he’s a girl? I want him to express himself however he’s most comfortable, but I also want him not to be teased.

The kids in his pre-school class already seem to have rigid ideas about gender identification and I’m not sure how (or whether) to approach this with my son.

A. Without knowing your son, we can’t tell whether he is simply trying out different gender roles. Most children this age dress up like Mommy and Daddy, imitating familiar gestures with hats and high heels as props. Afterward, they switch back.

Gender identity, though, is an individual’s strongly felt, persistent sense of gender, which settles in surprisingly early, between ages 2 and 3, according to researchers.

Over the years, parents and mental health professionals have tried many strategies to change children who think of themselves as the opposite gender. When “success” is defined as pushing or punishing a child into hiding his deepest feelings about his gender, a miserable child and unhappy adult typically result.

The best possible outcome is for the child to understand himself, to accept himself and to know he is accepted by the most important people in his life.

At the same time, parents and teachers must help the child learn to protect himself from the judgments and mistreatments of those who don’t understand him or who feel threatened by him.

Even at 3, a child can be warned that certain actions are likely to lead to teasing, although it may be too much to expect him to succeed in limiting them to private times at home.

Teachers can help by upholding the standard that the teasing and bullying of any child will not be tolerated and that differences will be respected and valued.

If you were to bring up the gender issue with your imaginative son, your goal could be to let him know that you love and accept him no matter what, and that you want to be on his team, helping him figure out how to avoid teasing and how to survive it when it is unavoidable.

Gender resources

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

Early Language Matters

by
Early Language Matters

Early Language Matters by Louise Packness

In an undergraduate communications class I was taking at Hunter College in NYC, many years ago, we were shown videos of Washoe the chimpanzee learning American Sign Language. (ASL) I was mildly interested in attempts to determine primates’ ability to learn language. But my real focus in these videos and in this class was American Sign Language itself.

I was taken with how “expressive” I found the visual-gestural language of the Deaf community. Peoples’ facial expressions were animated. There were large and small, fast and slow gestures and body movements. Eye contact was vital. I became consumed with questions about different forms of language. Could it be that a language that was expressed visually was somehow more “honest”, more “direct”? Certainly I had experienced misuse of spoken language: twisting of phrases and words; verbal manipulation of a sort. Could ASL use by-pass abuse of speech and more easily get to the heart of an issue? I felt compelled to explore this issue. I already loved language related learning, I.e., foreign languages, the origin of language, how languages change over time – and the nitty gritty of speech sound production as well as grammar and morphology and syntax.

I went on to graduate school and became a Teacher of the Deaf. I got my answer. ASL can be used in a manipulative way just the same way a spoken language can be. A visual gestural language may look more “immediate” and “‘direct” – “honest “if you will. But ASL is a full and true language; it follows rules, has exact vocabulary, word meanings, sentences and syntax and it is entirely possible to be false and manipulative in the visual-gestural form as well as the spoken language.

In my deaf education teacher training, the question of language acquisition for deaf and hard of hearing children born in to a hearing world came to the forefront. How do deaf children learn language and how do they learn to think? I went to study language acquisition of both deaf and hearing children and speech language development has been my professional work for 35 years.

In general conversation, we often talk about communication and language interchangeably. They absolutely overlap; communication is a form of language and language is a part of communication, but they are not entirely the same.

Communication starts the moment a baby is born. It is about connecting emotionally with other living beings. We humans are hard-wired to make and find comfort in these connections and we are born with a set of innate emotional expressions and an instinctive understanding of other people’s emotions. We express joy, sadness, fear, disgust, interest, surprise anger, affection and more, and recognize them in others.

These early non-verbal connections are shared through vocalizations, facial expressions, and physical movements. Adults and babies engage in looking at each other, copying each other, taking turns on an emotional level – interactions known as “serve and return”. They are recognized by psychologists as important in shaping brain architecture in powerful ways, and helping to create a strong foundation for future learning. These interactions, conversations back and forth of sounds, gestures, facial expressions, tones of voice, eye-contact, posture and use of space give the young child a sense of belonging and are important to both partners.

Verbal communication, language, is also hard wired in the brain.
It is a rich, complex, adaptable system with rules; it is the way in which we combine sounds, create words and sentences in speech, signs and later writing to communicate our thoughts and understand others.

Verbal language provides us with the tools to know what we think and want, and understand others’ thoughts and wants. We need language to socialize and learn. Through both communication and language, we are able to learn new information, engage in rich pretend play, solve problems, ponder, invent, imagine new possibilities, and develop literacy.
Verbal language develops over time and follows universal, developmental milestones. Children learn at different rates, but there is a critical period in which a child must experience and develop language for it to develop fully.

None of us remember how we learned language. For the child with no interfering cognitive or physical challenges it seems that it simply happens. It is “caught” not “taught”. It is “caught” when a child is immersed in a world with caring adults who talk and interact and engage with this child. The particular language – or languages – a child masters is the one that the child experiences and has the opportunity to practice.

Language learning requires no tools or training – only these conversations.
When we say that early language matters it is the early, emotionally attuned engagement between adults and young children that matter.

When an interested adult is fully attending, talking and listening – making it easy for the young child time to start conversations; responding with interest to what the child is expressing with or without words, talking about those things the child is interested in at a level the child can understand, having conversations that go back and forth a number of times – these behaviors promote the natural development of language.

My work has been with children with special needs who have speech and language delays and disorders. For these children specialized early intervention is extremely important. The earlier the better to take advantage of a young child’s developing body and brain.

For the typically developing child, however, if language develops easily and naturally, what can interfere??

How strong children’s language skills are affected by their surroundings. Challenging environmental circumstance, such as food insecurity, poor housing, lack of health care, no access to books make a difference in the young child’s development; an adult, parent or caretaker who is not able to sustain attention or be attuned to the child makes a difference in the child’s development. When the adult is highly distracted – perhaps by troubling personal concerns or the ever-increasing interruptions caused by technology; i.e., needing to check Face Time, take a phone call, look at Instagram, check notifications, etc., the child is adversely impacted. The tremendous value of on-going conversations gets lost with many interruptions. Being aware of the factors that are challenging, we can begin to address them.

The early conversations are what matter. They say that a good conversation is like a good seesaw ride; it only happens when each partner keeps taking a turn.

Louise Packness,
Speech-Language Pathologist, M.A. CCC-SLP

Books and Resources for Early Language Matters

American Speech-Language Hearing Association: articles and books. Including:
– Activities to Encourage Speech and Language Development
– How Does your Child Hear and Talk?
– Apel, Ken & Masterson, Julie, J. Beyond Baby Talk: From Sounds to Sentences – A Parents Complete Guide to Language Development, 2001

Early Years Foundation Stage, (EYFS) Statutory Framework- GOV.UK
2021 Development Matters in the Early Years.

Eliot, Lise, What’s Going On in There? : Bantam Book, 1999

Galinsky, Ellen. Mind in the Making: Harper-Collins, 2010

The Hanen Centre Publications. Helping You Help Children Communicate.
– Manolson, Ayala, It Takes Two To Talk: The Hanen Early Language Program ,1992
– Parent Tips
– “Tuning In” to others: How Young Children Develop Theory of Mind

Lahey, Margaret. Language Disorders and Language Development: Macmillan Publishers, 1998

Lund, Nancy & Duchan, Judith. Assessing Children’s Language in Naturalistic Contexts: Prentice-Hall, 1988

National Association for the Education of Young Children (NYAEC)
Articles
– Reinforcing Language Skills for Our Youngest Learners by Claudine Hannon
– 12 Ways to Support Language Development for Infants and Toddlers by Julia Luckenbill
– Big Questions for Young Minds, Extending Children’s Thinking. 2017

Princeton Baby Lab. A Research Group in the Dept. of Psychology at Princeton studies how children learn, and how their incredible ability to learn support their development. 2022 babylab@princeton.edu

Pruett, Kyle,D: Me, Myself and I: Goddard Press, 1999

Ratey, John,J. A User’s Guide to the Brain, Vintage Books, 2001 : 253-335.

Rossetti, Louis,M: Communication Intervention, Singular Publishing, 1996

Siegel, Daniel J,& Hartzell, Mary. Parenting from the Inside Out: Penguin Group 2003

Presence and Perspective

by
Perspective

Presence and Perspective By Murielle DiBiase, M.D.

In the chaos of the world we are living in today I find the challenge that rises to the top of my heap across settings and interactions with others of all ages is to be present and consider the perspectives of others. We are so inundated with the stressors of everyday living complicated with all of the Covid chaos that it’s a true challenge to stay in the moment and even consider the perspectives of others.

In my work in the field of Early Care and Education, I have many opportunities to engage with families, children, professional colleagues, teachers, and a wide variety of support staff involved as educators in this phenomenal field. We know that parents/family are children’s first “teachers”. Everyone involved in the classroom dynamics has an impact on the foundation of learning for each child in their care. We are all “cognitive coaches”, incidentally as well as intentionally, for every child we connect with, even for those we come to know in utero. It’s simply amazing to consider that the first 3 years of our lives are known to be the time in our lives that we will learn at an extraordinary pace like no other time in our entire lives. This, to me, magnifies the importance of intentionally being present as much as we possibly can across settings and ages for all to truly benefit from the interaction.

As I engage in the work of coaching educators to elevate the quality of their engagement with children, there are frequent conversations about taking a child’s perspective in the moment given any number of daily situations we encounter. As adults, we often make unintentional assumptions about children’s perspectives… “When you push your chair away from the table, you’re telling me you’re all done with snack.” (said to an 18 month old) I had to wonder if that was so or was this child merely experimenting with cause and effect given the moment… Just as unintentionally, we often forget that young children are just beginning to understand their world and are learning things like self-regulation. They are truly novices at social engagement and are new to the concept of emotions. They learn what they are living with no regard to “right or wrong” ideations at such a young age. Understanding a young child’s perspective is key to quality engagement. The more we learn, the more we are able to support learning for our youngest human beings.

This is all food for thought, which might shift our perspectives a bit. We don’t know what we don’t know and we do the best we can with what we do know at any given time in our lives. Thank goodness we have a lifetime to learn and grow and there are so many opportunities for us to do so! Learning is a work in progress, not an aim for perfection…

Favorite Resources:

Ted Talks : Jun Li, Fred Rogers (Google these individuals for more resources)

ZERO TO THREE 
Brazelton Touchpoints Center
Connection Parenting, Pam Leo (Google her for more resources to her credit)

Creative Connections LLC
Murielle S. DiBiase, M.Ed.
PO Box 15
Palermo, Maine 04354
207-931-6615