children

TELEVISION’S IMPACT ON YOUNG CHILDREN

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
TELEVISION’S IMPACT ON YOUNG CHILDREN
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. What are your opinions of how TV watching affects young children? I can control what shows they watch but I’m more concerned about TV’s impact on a child’s development.

A. TV content isn’t the only concern for parents. Too much TV is a major problem, too.

The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages TV for children under age 2. For children over 2, the recommendation is to limit “total media time” to 1 to 2 hours of quality programming per day.

Studies have demonstrated a range of risks associated with TV. For example, excessive amounts of TV watching have been linked to restlessness and hyperactivity in preschool children, especially boys.

The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that TVs not be placed in children’s bedrooms. Both the number of hours of daily TV viewing and the presence of a TV in the child’s room are associated with a greater risk of obesity.

Before age 2 1/2, children learn little from TV. Its stimuli are overwhelming: too much noise, rapidly shifting visuals and the content is beyond small children’s comprehension.

Children may be able to tune out the barrage, but the energy would be better used for activities that actually help them learn – like reading or playing.

In many households, TVs are left on all day even when nobody is watching. Yet in the presence of “background TV,” young children have more difficulty paying attention and participating in interactive play.

Many small children are “parked” in front of the TV when their parents need to do something around the house. TV seems to have taken the place of extended family – of having grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings nearby who can lend a hand – but it is no substitute.

In any family, raising a child is a challenge. Still, when a parent must briefly resort to TV to keep a child occupied, I’d limit the amount as much possible and choose soothing, low-key, commercial-free content.

After age 2, I recommend restricting TV viewing to no more than one hour per day. I would always choose TV shows appropriate to your child’s age and temperament. When a child watches TV, parents should watch, too. You can talk over what you’ve seen.

Your questions will help your children learn to ask their own questions, think for themselves and begin to separate your family’s values from the ones on commercial TV that are meant to sell things. “Did you like that show? Why do you think that man was trying to hurt that lady? How did they make it look like that kid could fly? Do you think skateboards can suddenly appear under your feet when you open that can of soda?”

You can discuss the content with them in order to help them detoxify it and understand it. Such discussions will help children become media literate – an increasingly important skill.

Some parents feel they must expose their children to everything that other people’s children might see on TV. They fear that tuning out and unplugging might somehow deprive their children. Yet parents can rest assured that plenty of children turn out just fine with less TV – or none.

Sure, children may protest at first when the TV goes off. They may not tell you until they’re adults, but they’ll be grateful to see their parents behaving like parents and asserting control over their family’s values.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center.  Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

NURTURING A CHILD’S MIND

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
NURTURING A CHILD’S MIND
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My sister has a bright 3-year-old son. She is determined to nurture and develop his mind and brain to the best of her ability. How can she expand his horizons?

A. At 3, a child is curious about everything and brimming over with questions: “Why, why, why?”

Valuing children’s curiosity encourages their drive to explore, investigate and understand.

But parents needn’t have all the answers or respond right away: “That’s an interesting question. Can you remember it so we can talk about it tonight at supper when I have more time?”

For children to learn, they must develop their ability to be patient; pay attention; persist even when they fear they may not overcome a challenge; face their mistakes; and focus even when frustrated.

Thus children take the measure of their abilities and potential. This self-confidence, along with a sense of optimism, helps children see problems as opportunities to find solutions.

Patience, focus and tenacity may not be the first skills that come to mind when considering how to expand a child’s horizons. Instead, we think of teaching him about colors; numbers; the alphabet; names of animals, trees and flowers; and the world’s countries.

A child who develops the character of a learner can take on these challenges and many more, and he will always seek new horizons on his own.

Of course it helps to expose an eager child to the world’s sights and sounds – music, or a second or third language.

But watch for his signals about how he learns – with his eyes, his ears, when he is in motion, or all of these.

Also look for clues to when he has had enough. If you overload a child, pressure him or present him with tasks he can’t yet handle, you may make him feel unsure of himself as a learner, or worse, like a failure. The risk of too much teaching is to turn him off learning. Challenges should be just a small step beyond – and within his reach.

One sure way to expand a child’s horizons is to talk together, ask questions and listen – about everything, even life’s small details. This helps extend a child’s language skills, which are critical for learning.

Children’s strongest motivation comes from the adults who care about them. For example, children will want to read if they see adults reading.

It inspires children when they interact with adults who are excited to learn and who encourage them to do likewise, without pressure or judgment.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

A THREE YEAR OLD’S POTTY PROGRESS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A THREE YEAR OLD’S POTTY PROGRESS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My 3-year-old daughter is fully potty-trained for urination – no diaper at night or for naps. But she refuses to use the toilet for a bowel movement and asks for a diaper instead (she will sit on the potty and pretend to go but always wants a diaper). She doesn’t seem to be afraid of the toilet and gives nonsense answers when we ask why she won’t go. What would help?

A. By nature, 3-year-olds need to assert themselves. They have strong reasons for not wanting to use the toilet but they can’t understand them, much less explain them. Making a big issue of the process can become a power struggle where your daughter’s healthy self-assertion goes astray – resisting your instructions rather than learning to control her body.

She has made great progress – potty-trained during the day and even at night. She’s shown you she knows what the toilet is for and how to use it.

But bowel movements are special. To small children they seem like some hidden part of their bodies that they are learning to master. Questions may make your daughter fear she’s failed or done something wrong – not the best feelings about bodily functions.

It’s hard for adults to remember how perplexing and disconcerting this process once seemed to be. Watch a child flush the toilet over and over. Is it to be annoying? Or to get attention?

No. Children have to be scientists and conduct experiments to figure out the world we take for granted.

Your daughter knows what you want if she’s pretending to try, but she’s not ready – which is why she wants the diaper. If a parent struggles with a child this age, the result may just be constipation.

You can avoid the turmoil. Just apologize to her. (Imagine that!) Say you’re sorry you’ve focused on this issue and you will leave her bowel movements up to her.

Don’t convey a sense of shame or failure. Let her know she can use a diaper until she decides, on her own, that she is ready for the potty. If you’re patient, you’ll end up using far fewer diapers.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

AN 8 YEAR OLD WHO SUCKS HER THUMB

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN:  FAMILIES TODAY:
AN 8 YEAR OLD WHO SUCKS HER THUMB
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My daughter is 8 years old and she has a problem with thumb sucking. How can I help her?

A. Your daughter is much likelier to stop sucking her thumb if she decides on her own. Only when thumb sucking becomes her problem – not yours – will she give it up.

When parents try to stop a child’s thumb sucking, or even comment on it, they reinforce her need for it. Thumb sucking is one way a child comforts herself when she is scared, lonely, bored or anxious. Her worry that parents will try to interfere with her favorite form of soothing is yet another trigger for thumb sucking.

If you must do anything, just look for the things she does that she can be proud of, and compliment her on them. Help her to feel sure of herself. A parent is a child’s most reliable source of soothing until she learns she can count on herself for comfort.

Reduce the stresses and pressures on her that you can control so she’ll have less need for this kind of self-soothing. Point up other things she does that help her relax: “You look so comfy like that, all curled up with your book.”

Suggest other small pleasures she might try – going for a walk or a bike ride, humming a song, lying in the grass and looking at the clouds, sipping a cup of milk, or playing cat’s cradle or some other game that occupies her hands – without ever suggesting that these will replace her thumb.

Most children eventually stop on their own out of embarrassment and the wish to be like peers and older children – if nobody makes an issue of it.

My oldest child sucked her thumb until she was about 8 (as did I). At that age, children whom she admired began to comment on it, so she quit. Leave it to your daughter. If you don’t, her struggle with you will matter more to her than her peers’ disapproval.

Of course this change is easier said than done. Every time you see her sneak her thumb into her mouth you are bound to think, “What is the matter? What did I do wrong?” Or perhaps, if you sucked your thumb too, “Does she have to turn out like me?”

When thumb sucking becomes a constant reminder of parents’ doubts about themselves and fears about their child, it is no longer simply the child’s soother. Instead it has become a vicious cycle between them. Then thumb sucking is everyone’s problem – and the only solution is for parents to pull out of the argument.

Of course parents wonder, “Will she ever stop?” Many parents take comfort in being reminded that thumb sucking isn’t likely to be an issue when the 8-year-old is 18. However, several years ago I wrote a column about thumb sucking. In it, I suggested that deciding when to stop should be left up to each individual.

A 23-year-old woman then wrote to me, “Dear Dr. B., I still suck my thumb when I am going to bed every night and I can’t seem to stop myself. I am about to get married and I’ll be so embarrassed if my new spouse catches me at it. What can I do?”

I replied, “Don’t worry. You won’t need your thumb to help you go to sleep now. You’ll have a much better replacement to comfort you.”

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

CHILD RAISING IN A TIME OF MULTITASKING

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
CHILD RAISING IN A TIME OF MULTITASKING
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

In these challenging times, we risk losing our sense of balance. Technology and global competition have changed how we work. Multitasking has been glorified while new stresses on working parents sap more energy. Yet the most important jobs – like child raising – can’t be done without our full attention.

Working parents are less productive when they worry about their child care arrangements or about their co-workers’ resentment of parental time off when a child is ill.

Families suffer when parents – tethered to smart phones and laptops – bring work home. They may be home, but their jobs are their focus. They may be less engaged with their families, less available to them emotionally.

Yet that availability is critical for child development and strong family relationships.

Children and parents need protected time together to focus on each other, to watch, listen and respond with a minimum of intrusions.

From the start, babies and parents are learning to understand each other and themselves.

Since newborns have been listening to their parents’ voices for several months before birth, I like to help parents discover how much they and their babies already matter to each other.

I hold a newborn with his head in one hand and his bottom in the other. I ask the mother to stand on one side and to talk to her baby in one ear while I talk in the other.

Of course, most every newborn turns his head to his mother. And every mother grabs her baby, kisses him and says, “You know me already!” Then I do the same thing for the fathers. Eight in 10 babies turn their heads to their father’s voice instead of mine. With the other two, I tip their heads toward their fathers – to establish the “conversation.” The fathers react just like the mothers.

In our research, we found that 2-month-olds are already “conversing” with their parents. Sometimes a baby leads; sometimes he follows. He is learning that he can act on his world, and that he will be heard.

Babies and parents are working hard to get to know each other. They are already sharing emotions.

In another experiment, researcher Ed Tronick and I ask mothers to interact normally with their 2-month-olds – and then to turn away. When the mother turns back, we ask her to be unresponsive, expressionless: the “still face.”

Within 11 seconds the baby realizes that something is not right. Then he’ll try 15 different behaviors – smiling, crinkling his eyelids and cooing – to try to win back his mother’s attention.

The baby’s response changes if the mother is depressed. In the “still face” experiment, the baby gives up after only three tries.

Since we can detect maternal depression early and know how to treat it, we have an opportunity to protect children and families.

We used this research on Capitol Hill to advocate for the Family and Medical Leave Act (passed in 1993), which mandates job-protected leave for up to 12 weeks a year, although it is unpaid.

Parents need time with their new babies before returning to work. But these crucial interactions do not end after the first three months.

Workplaces can encourage strong families (and boost productivity, too) when job and family life are in balance.

Families also depend on strong communities where parents can find and share emotional support, practical advice and resources.

For many families, the workplace is their community. Workplaces must learn from strong communities about how to support healthy families. We must all put families first to keep our nation strong.

For more information on family and workplace:

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

Supporting the Development of Self-Regulation in Children

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Maine Association for Infant Mental Health

Supporting the Development of Self-Regulation in Children
By C. Michael Sandberg, MA

Recently the world of early childhood education has once again been echoing with terms like self-regulation, executive functioning, and social skills. This is a welcome moment! Not that STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) and literacy are not important, but, rather, that it is once again being realized that success academically, socially, and personally is more dependent on these “soft skills” than it is on the content of the knowledge being taught and learned!

Flavell in 1977 called these skills “one of the really central and significant cognitive-developmental hallmarks of the early childhood period.” Their importance has been well demonstrated by several recent studies that followed children over time. In one, done in New Zealand, 1037 kids were followed birth to 32 years. They were looking specifically at what they call self control, certainly one of what might today be called the executive functions. They defined self control as being willing to delay gratification, able to control your impulses, and able to modulate your emotional expression. Even though some of the study’s participants improved their ability to control themselves over the period of the study, they did find that self control at older ages could be largely predicted by self control at 5. Children were first measured at 3-5 with a 90-minute scored observation. They were scored again in their preteen years. In adulthood they were evaluated for several social, health, and financial outcomes. Their heath score was a composite of their cardiovascular health, respiratory system health, dental health, sexual health, and their inflammation status. They found that self control at 5 was highly predictive of improved finances, better physical health, lessened levels of substance dependency and fewer interactions with the justice system. They also found it to be predictive of better decision making in the teen years. Higher self control children were less likely to become pregnant as teenagers or to leave school early. They also had significantly fewer interactions with the authorities. They were also able to do an analysis comparing the differences using social situation as a child and IQ with those found using self control and they found that self control was a much better predictor.1

These kinds of results have been found by several other long-term studies.2 Interestingly these findings echo the findings of studies of the impact of quality early childhood programming such as that done of the High Scope programming evaluated by the Perry Preschool Project. There, even though the initial finding of improved IQ washed out over time, the children still had improved outcomes in terms of social, academic, and financial success. It could easily be argued that what they had gained was improved executive function. 3 For me, these are important findings because the children failing and being expelled by our schools and preschools are mostly being excluded because of poor self-regulation skills. 4 At the same time most researchers and educators agree that most executive function skills can be taught.

While most evaluators use teacher reporting to assess self-regulation skills, (the most responsible researchers recognize that there may be bias included in these ratings and evaluate the ratings across different ethnicities and SES (Socioeconomic Status) to guard against as much as they can), there is interestingly one evaluation method in relatively common use. It evaluates cognitive flexibility in 3-5 year olds by using cards featuring different attributes. There are different shapes, such as bunnies and turtles, and among each shape there are also two different colors. Children are asked to sort the cards by shape and then to switch and redo the sort by color. What is being evaluated is their ability to let go of the old references and switch to the new one. Most 3 year olds struggle with this change, while most 5-6 year olds can easily shift. This method, known as the dimensional change card sort, can separate the age at which children are able to succeed and show that cognitive flexibility is used as an indicator of emerging self-regulatory skills. 5 For me, this is reminiscent of Piaget’s work with classification and it may demonstrate a link between cognitive and social skills!

For a while, people also thought the marshmallow experiment conducted at Stanford could become an assessment tool. The method tried to evaluate the ability to delay gratification by tempting children with a marshmallow, while promising them a second one if they could wait about 15 minutes before eating it. While the researchers reported good predictive power of later success, when people tried to replicate the experiment controlling for SES, they found SES had a higher impact than any maturity measure. The kids, who could wait, were those who had not experienced scarcity!

In order to decide what we need to be teaching and come up with teaching methods, we need a more specific definition of these executive or self-regulation skills. They include the ability to monitor and manage emotions, thoughts and behavior via impulse control, maintaining attention and focus, filtering distractions, emotional regulation, problem solving, and prosocial behavior. When we know what we are trying to promote we can both appreciate and protect it when it is happening and know more about how to create situations that will enhance the learning of those skills.

Interestingly, even fetuses have some self regulation skills. We know that because their activity level often varies dependent on the mother’s activity and mood. After birth, many newborns also illustrate their ability by turning away to take a break after an intense social interaction. They know how to shut down in the face of too much stimulation! So we are not starting with a blank slate. Reading last month’s piece on perinatal psychology might give you some ideas on how to support higher skill levels even before a baby is born!

Once they are born, what can we be doing! We can help children learn that their emotions can be regulated. We do that by allowing them to become upset, and then intervening when they are no longer able to regulate and coregulating them through our calmness and nurturance. We do it by honoring when a child needs a break and waiting for them to come back online before proceeding. We do it by recognizing when they are losing focus or becoming too frustrated to continue and then supporting their efforts and directing their attention back to what they were working with. We do it by scaffolding their explorations (Tools of the Mind, a Vygotsky based curriculum has been shown to be very effective at building self-regulation skills for those children who are starting further behind. It was less effective for those who already had higher skill levels6).

The first key to all of this is that if we expect children to learn self regulation skills, we as the adults must model those skills and remain centered and calm. It is only when we are calm that we can use our support to calm children. How can we give teachers and caregivers the supports that allow them to be present and listening most of the time? When teachers become stressed by their jobs, they may react with frustration and anger to misbehavior in the room, leaving the children who are acting out feeling alone, without an ally. As allies we are engaged in trying to assist children in meeting their goals for themselves, while doing so in socially acceptable ways. When you see yourself getting that kind of support it is easier to let go of the emotionality of the moment and to begin to use and improve the functioning of your thinking brain. Mark Rains, a board member of the Maine Association for Infant Mental Health and a psychologist, suggests that when children lose it (Flip their lids to use Dan Siegel’s expression), they need us to help them feel safe, connected to others, help them learn language to talk about feelings, gradually support their ability to see the patterns in behavior, before we can expect them to be ready to plan better actions.7

In general, we have to ask, how can I support the child’s autonomy and self-regulation rather than working to control them. As one example, if we have a child who is struggling with entering groups and tends to charge in and destroy things, what method can we come up with that might help them learn the skills needed. Could we ask them to try something new and then sit down with them to play alongside the group they want to join, without ever asking to join (the child who has poor executive functioning will often be told no if she or he asks to join a group)? Soon the child will be playing with the other children, and depending on their play skills you may have to remain and continue to support their involvement, or you may be able to leave. Later we could talk about what had worked and give them another tool (By the way, this may have to be repeated multiple times before it begins to take).

How can I help them learn to evaluate risk and make decisions? Instead of saying, “No that isn’t safe!” could we ask about where they would be landing the jump and do they want to land on that? That can be followed with, “well how could we make it safer.”

Executive functioning can be built better, and if it is, children are likely to be better citizens and parents when their time comes. Join me in trying to learn more about how to do this every day.

References:

  1. Moffitt, T. E., Arseneault, L., Belsky, D., Dickson, N., Hancox, R. J., Harrington, H., Houts, R., Poulton, R., Roberts, B. W., Ross, S., Sears, M. R., Thomson, W. M., & Caspi, A. (2011). A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 108(7), 2693–2698. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1010076108
  2. Jones, D. E., Greenberg, M., & Crowley, M. (2015). Early Social-Emotional Functioning and Public Health: The Relationship Between Kindergarten Social Competence and Future Wellness. American journal of public health, 105(11), 2283–2290. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2015.302630
  3. Heckman, J., Pinto, R., & Savelyev, P. (2013). Understanding the Mechanisms Through Which an Influential Early Childhood Program Boosted Adult Outcomes. The American economic review, 103(6), 2052–2086. https://doi.org/10.1257/aer.103.6.2052
  4. Gilliam, W. S. & Shahar, G. (2006). Preschool and child care expulsion and suspension; Rates and predictors in one state. Infants and Young Children, vol. 19, No. 3 p. 228.
  5. Zelazo P. D. (2006). The Dimensional Change Card Sort (DCCS): a method of assessing executive function in children. Nature protocols, 1(1), 297–301. https://doi.org/10.1038/nprot.2006.46
  6. Blair C. (2016). Executive function and early childhood education. Current opinion in behavioral sciences, 10, 102–107. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2016.05.009
  7. Rains, Mark. “‘Getting It Together’ Healthy Start Community Forum.” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Oct. 2009, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evikiqovSVw.

 

A BACK-AND-FORTH ON BITING (follow up)

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From the NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY

By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

In a recent column a grandmother recommended her solution to the problem of children biting: Bite back. We demurred. Now another mother lobbies for the fight-fire-with-fire approach.

Q. This is in support of the politically incorrect biting mother and grandmother. There is nothing like experience to teach us, and I’m talking about biting toddlers. We can talk a blue streak, and it’s all abstract to a toddler; they need to learn that if they cause pain, it comes back at them.

These are my biting stories from the trenches. I was nursing my baby and his teeth were starting to come in. After having toyed with the idea for some time, he finally bit me while nursing. I let out a very loud bellow out of proportion to the pain, because I was not going to have that happen again. The poor baby got quite traumatized by my loud scream, but he never bit me again.

When he was a toddler, I took him to a day care where there was a hyperactive boy who was a frequent biter. Nothing the parents or day-care provider tried changed anything. Finally the day-care provider’s toddler took matters into his own hands and bit him back. End of biting.

When my boy was a toddler, he kicked my leg. Like the politically incorrect grandma, I very carefully placed a kick on his leg (I was so scared of hurting him that the first attempts were air kicks). He never kicked anybody again. I must add that this boy is now 14 and a joy (besides the fact that, being a teenager, he counters everything his parents say).

A. Small children’s biting certainly creates a red flag for everyone. Yet it is such a universal response in late infancy and toddlerhood that it deserves all its eminence.

Starting out as an exploratory and often loving response when a nursing baby bites the breast of his mother, it gathers drama from the surprised, angry and even frightened response, “Have I lost my baby? Do I deserve this negative hurtful response when I’m giving him everything I can? Will he turn out to be a monster?”

For him, it is likely to mean that when he suddenly raised such a dramatic response, “Should I try it again when I need to get her attention?” Then, he may begin to fall back on it when he is tired or overwhelmed or doesn’t know any other way to get the attention of someone he craves. He tries it out on a peer toddler. The world blows up. Everyone overreacts. “Wow! This is more important than I thought. I’d better shove this behavior way down underneath. I’ve learned there are certain behaviors that I don’t dare to express. They mean something terrible to other people, even though that’s not what I meant when I tried them. I’d better be more inhibited than I was.”

Inhibitions can be expensive in the long run. Your method of retaliation has surely worked. But what has it meant to the baby or toddler? “I’m bad, or she wouldn’t have hurt me, and I’m not sure why. But I guess I’m just a bad kid.” Is that what you meant to teach him by your response?

Meanwhile, seeing it from the standpoint of the baby’s development, it has been a missed opportunity. Each behavior which becomes an intrusive or painful one presents the child the chance for him to learn about how to control himself.

A child who learns self-control is already way ahead of a child who must rely on an adult’s presence to be controlled by force or by retaliation. Learning self-control is a major goal for childhood in our present out-of-control society. Discipline (teaching) is the second most important gift we as parents can give a child. Love first, but discipline that says, “I shall have to stop you until you can stop yourself.” That’s a much longer goal in time than just teaching him to suppress his responses and his feelings.

Everything we know from research in child development demonstrates that suppressing angry, hurt feelings just postpones them. For a parent or a teacher or any caring adult, each episode needs to be understood from the child’s standpoint. We can use his hurtful behavior, share the idea of self-control rather than just shutting it off. “I can’t let you bite. It hurts and no one likes to be hurt. Let’s find another way for you to say what you’re trying to say.”

The story you tell of the child’s learning from another child how biting hurts and how necessary it was to control himself was on a different level. Children learn so much more from each other than they do from an adult. It’s fascinating to watch two toddlers as they reproduce by imitation hunks of behavior from each other.

I have recommended putting two 2-year-old biters together. One would bite the other. They’d look at each other with a startled look. “That hurt.” And they wouldn’t bite again. This is an almost sure cure, but maybe one to be used sparingly, in case it could get out of hand. When it works, one can see on the biter’s face that he recognizes the fact that he’d hurt him. “I never knew what I was doing could hurt someone. I can’t do that again.” He will have learned (at 2) how to experience what another is feeling – a major step toward empathy for others.

When an adult bites him back, his reactions are hurt and anger. He may not have meant to be aggressive in the first place. Now, biting could become loaded with angry feelings. Certainly, it has not been a learning experience except to stop the biting – but not the anger that being bitten has generated.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.