child

ALWAYS THE NAUGHTY BOY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY
ALWAYS THE NAUGHTY BOY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My 4-year-old son is very active, though he can concentrate for a long time on a task and complete it well.

His teachers always tell him to sit. His aunts tell him to stop jumping.
We tell him to be careful. We encourage athletics, at which he excels, and we have him work on blocks and art.

He rises early and just keeps going. Will he be diagnosed with ADHD? How can I help him to be accepted by teachers so he isn’t always the “naughty” boy?
His pediatrician says he is normal. Teachers say he is too active.

A. When I was a boy in Texas, I never would have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – it hadn’t been invented yet. But “mischievous” sure was a popular term.

What helped me stay out of trouble – when I did – was finding out what I liked to do and what I was good at. I only had one brother, but I had a busload of cousins, and I was the oldest. They looked up to me and I liked taking care of them.

When I was only a few years older than your son, my grandmother told me, “Berry, you’re so good with children.” Her encouragement helped calm me down and probably had something to do with my calling.

Let your son’s teachers know you need their help. People enjoy rising to the occasion.

You’ve got an active boy, but he’s still young. Maybe someone would diagnose him with ADHD; I can’t say without getting a glimpse of him. Some children with ADHD can concentrate for long periods on activities that interest them, especially in a quiet setting. And many 4-year-olds without ADHD are very active.

Let the teachers know that you want to help him stay out of trouble, and that both you and he want them to like him. Their acceptance will go a long way toward improving his behavior. Ask them whether the “straight and narrow” for a 4-year-old isn’t a bit wider and a lot more crooked.

Perhaps you can tell the teachers a story like the one about my grandmother – or about a person who helped you find your own talents and direction.

Ask them, “Can you help my little boy find out what is good about him? Maybe even something he is good at? Can you help him remember these things when he is being bad or feeling bad? Can you help him find his own ways of helping others? I’d so appreciate it, and so will he.”

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

CRITICISM AND PRAISE

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
CRITICISM AND PRAISE
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

This article is adapted from “Understanding Sibling Rivalry,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.

All children are hungry for their parents’ approval. As a result, parents know they can use criticism to curb unwanted behaviors, and praise to encourage others.

With siblings the dynamic of criticism and praise becomes more complex. Parents may not always realize just how seriously a child takes each criticism, each encouraging word. When other siblings become an audience, parents’ words take on even more power. Praising one child can feel like a criticism of another; similarly, criticizing one can certainly seem like praise to another.

When there is an imbalance over time – more criticism for one child, more praise for the other – the criticized child is likely to give up and behave as “bad” as everyone seems to think she is. The child who must bear the brunt of parents’ continual criticism also becomes the brunt of a sibling’s: “You’re a loser.” A sibling will rub it in, glad not to be the brunt himself.

Praise, too, can be uncomfortable for the sibling who receives it, especially if the others are around. The praised sibling’s successes then seem to come at the expense of the others. If a child such as this feels guilty, or is the target of jealousy and resentment, she might even stop trying so hard, preferring to be less special and more like the others.

Praise from a parent can easily be overdone. The child knows when it’s phony. Too much praise from a parent can interfere with a child’s learning to take satisfaction in his successes on his own. Yet praise can be a boost, particularly if it is fair and comes out of the blue. From a parent it is valued, but even more from a sibling.

When an older sibling can praise a younger one and say, for example, “You did such a good job. You worked and worked at it” – think how proud both will feel. A younger sibling is likely to praise his older sister with his eyes, and with imitation. Is it wise to comment on their praise and take it away from them?

If you must criticize, avoid words such as “always” and “never.” Rather than negative generalizations such as “You’re never ready on time,” focus on what’s happening now: “You’re late. We need to get going.”

Teaching Self-Criticism and Self-Praise

Be careful about using praise or criticism as a way of controlling behavior. Either one can quickly feel like a weapon to a child. Your long-term goal is not this kind of power. Instead, it is to help your child learn to face his own strengths and weaknesses, to praise and criticize himself as he learns to monitor his own behavior. Instead of saying, “Great job!” there may be a chance to ask “How do you feel about how you did?” Your smile and warm voice tell her how proud you are, but you leave your child room to find her own pride. The added benefit of this approach is that siblings are less likely to feel that your approval of this child takes away from your approval of them.

The same goes for criticism. Of course there are times when a child needs to be told very clearly that she’s made a mistake. But look for opportunities to ask her what she thinks she’s done wrong, what she thinks she could have done better. A conversation like this is best carried out when the other children aren’t around to add to her embarrassment.

Whenever possible, reserve criticism and sanctions for private times with a child. If the others ask, “How come you didn’t punish her?” a parent can answer, “That’s up to me, and it’s between your sister and me.” When the other children are present, stick to clear expectations and instructions that apply to all.

When siblings, or siblings and friends get out of control, there’s no need to single one out. Tell the whole group, “You need to settle down.” The others may protest: “But Susie started it!” Simply answer, “I’m not interested in who did it. I’m asking you all to help out.” They’ll get the message. Singling out a child for public humiliation, on the other hand, strikes terror in the hearts of children. But it won’t win you their respect. To protect themselves from it, they’re likely to turn against you.

Often, you may not know what really happened, or who started it. But when only some are guilty, all can still be helped to face their responsibility. This approach sustains a parent’s authority while encouraging the children to recognize their interdependence. They may all turn against one sibling, but over time they’ll learn to stick up for each other – an important goal for the whole family.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

A BACK-AND-FORTH ON BITING (follow up)

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From the NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY

By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

In a recent column a grandmother recommended her solution to the problem of children biting: Bite back. We demurred. Now another mother lobbies for the fight-fire-with-fire approach.

Q. This is in support of the politically incorrect biting mother and grandmother. There is nothing like experience to teach us, and I’m talking about biting toddlers. We can talk a blue streak, and it’s all abstract to a toddler; they need to learn that if they cause pain, it comes back at them.

These are my biting stories from the trenches. I was nursing my baby and his teeth were starting to come in. After having toyed with the idea for some time, he finally bit me while nursing. I let out a very loud bellow out of proportion to the pain, because I was not going to have that happen again. The poor baby got quite traumatized by my loud scream, but he never bit me again.

When he was a toddler, I took him to a day care where there was a hyperactive boy who was a frequent biter. Nothing the parents or day-care provider tried changed anything. Finally the day-care provider’s toddler took matters into his own hands and bit him back. End of biting.

When my boy was a toddler, he kicked my leg. Like the politically incorrect grandma, I very carefully placed a kick on his leg (I was so scared of hurting him that the first attempts were air kicks). He never kicked anybody again. I must add that this boy is now 14 and a joy (besides the fact that, being a teenager, he counters everything his parents say).

A. Small children’s biting certainly creates a red flag for everyone. Yet it is such a universal response in late infancy and toddlerhood that it deserves all its eminence.

Starting out as an exploratory and often loving response when a nursing baby bites the breast of his mother, it gathers drama from the surprised, angry and even frightened response, “Have I lost my baby? Do I deserve this negative hurtful response when I’m giving him everything I can? Will he turn out to be a monster?”

For him, it is likely to mean that when he suddenly raised such a dramatic response, “Should I try it again when I need to get her attention?” Then, he may begin to fall back on it when he is tired or overwhelmed or doesn’t know any other way to get the attention of someone he craves. He tries it out on a peer toddler. The world blows up. Everyone overreacts. “Wow! This is more important than I thought. I’d better shove this behavior way down underneath. I’ve learned there are certain behaviors that I don’t dare to express. They mean something terrible to other people, even though that’s not what I meant when I tried them. I’d better be more inhibited than I was.”

Inhibitions can be expensive in the long run. Your method of retaliation has surely worked. But what has it meant to the baby or toddler? “I’m bad, or she wouldn’t have hurt me, and I’m not sure why. But I guess I’m just a bad kid.” Is that what you meant to teach him by your response?

Meanwhile, seeing it from the standpoint of the baby’s development, it has been a missed opportunity. Each behavior which becomes an intrusive or painful one presents the child the chance for him to learn about how to control himself.

A child who learns self-control is already way ahead of a child who must rely on an adult’s presence to be controlled by force or by retaliation. Learning self-control is a major goal for childhood in our present out-of-control society. Discipline (teaching) is the second most important gift we as parents can give a child. Love first, but discipline that says, “I shall have to stop you until you can stop yourself.” That’s a much longer goal in time than just teaching him to suppress his responses and his feelings.

Everything we know from research in child development demonstrates that suppressing angry, hurt feelings just postpones them. For a parent or a teacher or any caring adult, each episode needs to be understood from the child’s standpoint. We can use his hurtful behavior, share the idea of self-control rather than just shutting it off. “I can’t let you bite. It hurts and no one likes to be hurt. Let’s find another way for you to say what you’re trying to say.”

The story you tell of the child’s learning from another child how biting hurts and how necessary it was to control himself was on a different level. Children learn so much more from each other than they do from an adult. It’s fascinating to watch two toddlers as they reproduce by imitation hunks of behavior from each other.

I have recommended putting two 2-year-old biters together. One would bite the other. They’d look at each other with a startled look. “That hurt.” And they wouldn’t bite again. This is an almost sure cure, but maybe one to be used sparingly, in case it could get out of hand. When it works, one can see on the biter’s face that he recognizes the fact that he’d hurt him. “I never knew what I was doing could hurt someone. I can’t do that again.” He will have learned (at 2) how to experience what another is feeling – a major step toward empathy for others.

When an adult bites him back, his reactions are hurt and anger. He may not have meant to be aggressive in the first place. Now, biting could become loaded with angry feelings. Certainly, it has not been a learning experience except to stop the biting – but not the anger that being bitten has generated.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.