Families Today

HELPING A CHILD ADJUST TO THE NEW BABY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
HELPING A CHILD ADJUST TO THE NEW BABY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

When you arrive home with the new baby in your family, I’d suggest that you have a new and special toy ready to give your older child – preferably a baby of his own that he can feed and diaper while you care for your baby. If he’s more interested in trucks, give him one that he can hold, fuel and wash. This is a chance for him to model on your nurturing.

Don’t be afraid to set limits on how much he can handle the new baby. Limits will be reassuring for him as his feelings about her come to the surface.

If he wants to hold her “like you do,” ask him to sit in a chair. You will need to stay right by his side. You can show him how to put one hand under her neck and head to protect her. He will be learning how to “be a big brother.”

If the older child soon loses interest in being a big brother, don’t be surprised, and don’t make too much of it. Though he may at times be proud of his new role, it’ll be a burden for him, too. Instead, expect him to want to be your baby again. Let him.

Many children who are just discovering what it means to be an older sibling begin to be cruel to the dog or cat. Stop your child firmly but gently, and let him know that you can’t allow this. Help him with his feelings by letting him know that his anger is understandable even though he can’t take it out on the pet.

It won’t help if these feelings are allowed to go underground. An older child is likely to feel that the new baby has displaced him because he was not “good enough.”

A 3- or 4-year-old can often recall mischief that made you angry and led you, in his mind, to want to replace him.

A child of 6 or 7 or older may just ignore the baby – and you. He may even seem to disappear because he’s spending more time with his friends, or dawdling on his way home from school.

Instead of being your companion as you get to know the baby, he seems to want to avoid you to punish you. Time alone with you and your willingness to listen and answer questions will be all the more important.

How to Help an Older Child Adjust to the New Baby

  • Let the older child know how much you’ve missed him.
  • Let him know that the baby has been added to the family and is not a replacement: “Now you have a brand new baby sister. But nobody could ever be just like you!”
  • Hold him close, and remind him of experiences you’ve shared and will share again.
  • Be ready for his need to fall back on old behavior you’d thought he’d outgrown. Don’t expect too much of him right now.
  • If he pushes you to discipline him, remember that limits can be especially reassuring to him with the new baby around. Limits mean to him that his parents “haven’t changed, still love me and will stop me when I need it.”
  • Don’t urge him to be “such a good big brother.” This job won’t always seem so appealing. It will mean more when he finds his own motivation to fill the role.
  • Guard against wanting him to grow up too fast. He will grow up when he’s ready. And his younger sibling is already pushing him enough.

(This article is adapted from “Understanding Sibling Rivalry” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

MOTIVATING A CHILD

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
MOTIVATING A CHILD
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. How can a parent help cultivate a child’s motivation in balance with complete acceptance of a child? What are the differences between “boundaries” and “unconditional acceptance”?

A. Parents can’t choose between boundaries and unconditional acceptance. The goal is to work toward balancing the two.

Children’s motivation partly depends on their feeling that they matter to others. From infancy, that feeling helps them believe in themselves. Why would any child be motivated to take on a new challenge if she sees herself as a failure?

Motivation begins at birth. Parents start the process by loving their baby, holding her, cooing, singing and rocking, setting up rhythms of smiling, vocalizing and touching that make her feel cared-about.

Within this cocoon of attachment, your baby begins to reach out for you. When you respond to her laughter with yours, she is learning – even in the first months of life – that things happen when she takes action. These exchanges are the beginning of motivation. She reaches out for others, and then for the world.

If she gets no response to her first coos and babbles, a baby doesn’t see much point to trying to make an effort.

As your baby grows into a toddler, your job gets more complicated. You have to set boundaries to be sure that her environment is safe to explore as she learns the motor skills – cruising, scooting, crawling and walking – that give her a new independence. When she’s just begun to toddle, you set the limit – no climbing up the stairs unless you’re right there to help her practice.

You can foster motivation even when you need to balance it with limits: “You can try climbing the stairs when I’m here to hold your hand.” But you also have to install safety gates, since a toddler can’t be expected to remember the limits when her own motivation tips the balance.

She tests you. She scrambles toward the stairs, then looks back to see if you really mean that she not climb them. Once you let her know you’re in earnest, you need to pick her up and stop her if she can’t stop herself.

Many parents worry that when they set limits they no longer unconditionally accept their child. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Setting limits is an act of love – it’s not always easy, and you wouldn’t bother if you didn’t really care. A child needs grown-ups who love her to clarify the rules and to protect her from hurting herself as she follows her motivation to learn about the world.

As a child becomes more independent, she finds new ways to resist your authority – temper tantrums in the second and third years, and often, at ages 3, 4 and 5, lying, cheating and stealing.

Boundaries help improve the child’s ability to achieve what she wants, as long as they are respectful and she understands the reason for them. Setting limits makes it clear that you unconditionally accept her but not all her actions.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

A 5-YEAR-OLD’S SUDDEN CHANGE OF HEART

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A 5-YEAR-OLD’S SUDDEN CHANGE OF HEART
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My 5-year-old granddaughter has taken ice-skating lessons for a little more than a year.

A couple of months ago she started crying before her lesson, saying she didn’t like it and didn’t want to go. She was told to give it another try because she had liked it (and the lessons were paid for).

Then she started crying before her dance lessons. But when she gets home, she says what a great time she had.

Now she’s starting crying before school and having bad days at school. She was always so excited to go to school and telling us all about her day.

What could be going on? Is she just “playing around” to see how far she can go? What can we do to help?

A. Five-year-olds who have complied with activities that their parents choose for them may suddenly realize, “I want to decide what I’m going to do – all by myself!” This wish to be in control can be a healthy sign of growing self-esteem: “I’m going to decide what I do now because I know what I’m doing!”

To help her open up, commend her for wanting to have a say. Then, if she can tell you what she doesn’t like about these activities, she may be able to focus on what she likes about them. Her parents could make an agreement with her to remind her that she says she enjoys these activities.

If a child complains about one activity, she may need help to figure out why. Is it too hard, frustrating or lonely without friends in that class? Is she too tired or hungry at that time of day? Perhaps something frightening happened there? A traumatic experience in one setting can lead a child to be fearful of others.

If you had told us that she was crying most of the time, and if you hadn’t said that after class she realizes she’s had fun there, we might have wondered if she could be depressed. If the crying is limited to these times, and if she is bright and cheerful at home and with friends during less structured activities, that’s reassuring.

It is concerning that she is also having “bad days” at school. You need more information about these bad days, about what is going on in school and her behavior there. Her parents could ask her teacher how she is handling the everyday school challenges. Her teacher may have ideas about how to help her enjoy school more. The teacher might even let her parents observe her in the classroom.

Another possible reason for the crying might be trouble with transitions. Many children this age become so absorbed in one activity that they can’t stop and switch to a different one. Reminders 15, 10 and five minutes before it is time to get ready to go can help. Another possibility is that her busy schedule may overtax her parents. If they’re frazzled, she’s bound to feel that way too.

When a child is more insistent on staying home or with a parent than avoiding a specific activity, separation may be her challenge. Such anxiety is common at this age, especially after a loss such as the death of a grandparent, or a move, or when a parent has been ill or preoccupied – by stress at work, financial worries or marital tensions. Five-year-olds may also insist on staying home after a new baby is born, as if to reassure themselves that they will not lose their place in the family.

For some children, dance and skating and other classes can just be too much. Your grandchild is only 5. Perhaps she’s trying to tell you that she needs a different pace, a few more breaks during the day, or more time for learning on her own – through play and with her friends. She may not know how to make friends yet – another reason to be miserable at school and in other group settings. Setting up play dates would then be an important first step.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at  www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

BITING IN DAYCARE

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
BITING IN DAYCARE
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. How can we help our 22-month-old granddaughter stop biting other children at day care? I know she is frustrated and needs help dealing with anger, as her daddy and aunts and uncles have.

A. Biting is a common and usually normal behavior in 22-month-olds. You compare the child to her father, aunts and uncles. At that age, did they bite? Presumably they also have trouble managing their anger as adults. Herein lies part of the problem.

As far as we know, biting in a 2-year-old doesn’t predict anger control problems later in life. Yet to many adults, biting is a serious problem and an ominous sign for the future. Parents and teachers who see biting this way may tend to overreact, unintentionally reinforcing the biting.

The child, who can’t understand what all the fuss is about, is bound to bite again – to see if the same thing happens again, and to get more information about what the frantic responses could mean.

The child may discover that biting confers a great deal of power: One little nip and a whole classroom can be catapulted into pandemonium. How exciting! Let’s try that again.

Harsh, repeated punishments may lead the child to conclude she is “bad.” This feeling can become another reason for more biting. A child who loses hope in her ability to change will not be motivated to try to get herself under control. She’ll continue what everyone now expects her to do – and keep on biting.

A clear but low-key response will help. Calmly separate the children. The bitten child may need adult comfort, but it’s important also to comfort the child who has bitten. She may be frightened by her own out-of-control feelings and by the other child’s screams. Reassure her you will stop her every time until she has learned to stop herself. Be sure she understands you know she’ll learn with time. Don’t think your efforts aren’t working just because you have to repeat them.

Why do young children bite? A pediatrician we know says that for children this age, “a bite is just the flip side of a kiss.” In the first year, babies will sometimes bite their mothers’ shoulders as if to say, “I love you so much I want to eat you up!” In the second year, when toddlers are interested in other toddlers but don’t yet know how to show it, they may bite as a bid to engage another child.

Sometimes young children bite when they are overstimulated. And sometimes they may bite out of anger. But at this age they don’t understand the connection between their action and its consequence – that a bite really hurts. That’s why some adults think the best disciplinary approach is gently to bite back. We can’t agree. Such a response throws a child’s understanding of adult caregivers’ roles into confusion.

All children this age need help with anger and frustration. They’re at the very beginning of learning how to handle these and other strong emotions. Perhaps you’re worried that this child needs help because she has been exposed to the behavior of adults in the family who continue to struggle with their anger.

If that’s the case, then the child’s biting may have a different meaning. Very young children are vulnerable to being traumatized by violent behavior of adults around them. They need help from mental health professionals trained to work with infants and toddlers. Check the websites of Zero to Three (zerotothree.org) and the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (nctsn.org) for more information, and ask the child’s pediatrician for a referral.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

CONCERN ABOUT AN UNORTHODOX CRADLE

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
CONCERN ABOUT AN UNORTHODOX CRADLE
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. During a recent visit to a cousin’s home in another state, I was very troubled by a sleeping arrangement for a 14-week-old. Perhaps I’m not aware of common practices today for encouraging newborns to sleep through the night.

The baby is swaddled in a garment designed for newborns, then fed and put into a car seat, which is placed on the floor in a small bathroom – without windows. The fan is turned on to provide white noise, and the door is closed. A blanket outside the door blocks external noise. No monitors are used.

The baby has been sleeping for 10 to 12 hours at night. He appears to be healthy and happy.

But I’m concerned about his being in a sensory-deprived situation, unattended. The parents go to him when he cries, but the entire procedure seems wrong.

I would appreciate your input since I’m expecting a baby in a few months.

A. We share your concerns. This arrangement may interfere with the baby’s safety and development.

With all the measures to block out sound, the baby’s parents may not be able to hear him when he needs them. Adequate ventilation is another basic requirement.

Safe ways of swaddling can help babies settle for sleep and get back to sleep when they awaken during the night. But babies also need a chance to move their limbs to develop their muscle tone and strength.

We would ask whether all this protection against light and sound will interfere with the baby’s developing the capacity to filter them out on his own.

What kind of transition are the parents expecting from such a highly controlled environment to a more natural one, and when?

It would be helpful to know why the parents feel their baby needs these special measures. Was the baby hypersensitive at birth to noise or light? At birth, babies have different levels of tolerance and sensitivity to touch, sounds and sights. Some have little trouble tuning out useless information such as the sound of the dishwasher or a slice of light from a street lamp. Others may be sensitive only to sights, or to sounds, or to touch.
Such differences contribute to each individual’s unique temperament from the very beginning of life. Even infants who start out hypersensitive may become at least a little less so over the years by learning to cope.

We could imagine that without practice at shutting out unwanted stimulation, some infants could become overly sensitive. Later on they might even have trouble focusing their attention in the face of everyday distractions.

Sometimes technology can improve on nature, but there are plenty of examples, such as infant formula, where this just isn’t the case. Often we don’t fully understand the benefits of nature’s design until we’ve tried to substitute our own.

For all we know, human babies and parents may have evolved ways to communicate with each other, such as pheromones, that would require more contact than this closed-in arrangement allows – perhaps even through the night.

In any event, we see no reason why you need to follow your cousin’s example when your own baby is born.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

PRESCHOOL SIBLINGS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
PRESCHOOL SIBLINGS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

In the first months after the birth of a new sibling, the older child is likely to vacillate between ignoring the baby completely or treating her like a plastic – and indestructible – doll.

Yet there will also be moments of genuine tenderness, and the beginnings of learning to care and to nurture.

When a younger sibling is 2 or 3, she can be more of a playmate for the older one, even if there is an age gap of two years or more. However, the 2- or 3-year-old may now be more reluctant to be the older child’s “baby” or plaything.

By the time the younger child turns 2, shared words and gestures have deepened the siblings’ intimacy. They have developed their own language without words.

Watch the imitation between two siblings at this age. Once, while working with a Native American tribe’s Early Head Start Center, we were honored to be invited to a powwow. Two siblings, 3 and 5, were dancing at opposite ends of the gymnasium. The older one jumped, twirled and marched along. From all the way across the room, the 3-year-old studied every move he made, imitating him clumsily but almost precisely – and almost on cue.

I hadn’t known they were siblings until I saw that performance, when it became perfectly apparent.

What does all this imitation mean to the older child? He is watched, envied, copied, followed around all day. Although it’s flattering, it is also pretty hard to take. When his friends come over, the younger one wants to insert herself into their play and their relationships. When he tries to be alone, she is there.

When he wants to get involved in more mature pastimes, she pulls on him. His guilt about deserting her, and his secret sadness at abandoning her, are lurking just below the surface. She can and will play on it.

Meanwhile the meltdowns caused by their rivalry are proceeding apace. Interfering with each other’s play and bidding for parents’ attention, they just can’t stay out of each other’s business. Tripping each other. Rolling around on the floor. Splashing each other in the tub. Flicking food at each other across the table.

“I want as much ice cream as he got. One more spoonful.”

“No, you gave her more!”

Through their constant scuffles, they seem to be saying, “I want to be part of your every moment.” The older child has an unfair advantage. When he decides he’s had enough he can retreat to his room and slam the door. The 2-year-old, despondent, may throw herself on the floor in a flood of tears. Can you equalize their differences? Of course not.

Once you’ve separated them, you can treat each one as an individual. You can help each one to settle down. Both will push parents to take sides. Don’t do it. Instead, you can sympathize, and then ask each child to think about his or her role in the conflict.

To the older child, a parent might say, “I know it’s tough to have your little sister interfering all the time, but you can tell her to stop, or take your toys into your room and shut the door. You don’t have to hit.”

To the younger child, a parent might say, “I know you want to play with him so badly. But when he tells you he won’t, you’re going to have to learn to listen.”

Let her know you understand how hard that is for her, but that you can’t change it. Over time, this will help her to stop idolizing her older sibling and to start sticking up for herself. Right now, though, she’s bound to fall apart.

Predictable Times for Meltdowns

  • early morning, on the way to breakfast
  • at the table
  • shopping
  • attention to one child (nursing, reading, special help)
  • bedtime
  • birthday party of one sibling
  • Christmas and holidays with gifts and commotion
  • long trips

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.