NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
WHY IT SOMETIMES TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.
Q. My wife has been an elementary teacher for many years, the last 20 years teaching first grade, and probably the one primary need of most of the children is responsible parents. One of the primary problems is that there often is only one parent and in many cases there is no responsible parent.
Politicians are not the answer to providing for the needs of children. Politicians and the government are the crutch. Parents who accept and meet their responsibilities are the answer to meeting the needs of their children.
A. Thank you for this important question. Of course parents should be responsible for the needs of their children, and nothing we have written would suggest otherwise. But what happens when parents are not able to be responsible? Are children simply to be left to be victims of this situation?
What if there are causes beyond parents’ control that leave them unable to provide for their children’s needs? What about our military men and women? When one parent is deployed, the other is left alone to provide for the children. The challenge is infinitely harder since the whole family is always wondering if, when and in what condition the other parent will ever return.
In some military families, both parents are deployed at the same time! When parents are giving their lives for their country, don’t you think the rest of us have a responsibility to pitch in and help out?
There are countless situations in which responsible parents cannot provide for their children – because of some misfortune that befalls them, or their child. Some parents have problems that may make it hard for them to take responsibility for their children, including serious illness or physical disabilities, but can do the job if they get the help they need.
Some children have medical problems so complex and so compromising that no set of parents could provide for their needs all alone. Parents may be competent, caring, honest and hardworking, but their jobs may not provide them with health insurance for their children. Very few parents indeed can afford to pay for the treatment of a seriously ill child.
Sometimes help beyond the immediate family is the only way. What would be wrong with that? A whole community in Indiana rallied around a family with newborn quintuplets – and the whole community shared in the family’s pride and joy! There are some challenges that families can’t possibly handle on their own – for example, a child or a parent with cancer. And what about the resources the family possesses to face their challenges?
An isolated two-parent family might be completely overwhelmed by a child’s illness that a single parent with lots of support from aunts and uncles and grandparents might more readily handle.
We recently read about two hardworking parents of a child with cancer who live in a rural community a hundred miles from medical care and can no longer afford the gas to get there? (In this case, the cancer was caused by a local uranium mine that left exposed radioactive mineral nearby.) Of course the child’s illness is not their fault, nor is the energy crisis. They cannot change either all by themselves.
Your wife was a schoolteacher for more than 20 years. For many families in your community, she must be a hero. If she taught in public schools, then her salary, health insurance, and retirement pension were paid by your neighbors’ tax dollars, while she was helping out their children. Most of them probably need to work, and couldn’t afford to home-school their children even if they’d wanted to. Don’t we need to help each other raise our families?
We agree that politicians and government have plenty of problems. But would you want families in this country to raise their children without heroes like your wife, police and firemen?
Parents’ responsibility alone cannot build the schools, and provide the national security that we need to raise our children. In most parts of the country we need to put our resources together in order to have running water and sewers for our families, and roads and bridges for the school buses that bring our children to school. Parental responsibility is, of course, absolutely necessary, we agree. But it is not enough to raise a family.
More and more parents these days are facing foreclosures, skimping on food and medical care in order to buy gas to get to work. Many AmerIcans are now demanding that our government step in and take action to bring gas prices down and help them hold on to their homes. Some of our country’s problems are too big right now for any family to take on alone.
Government makes a lot of mistakes, creates a lot of problems, and wastes a lot of our tax dollars. But we do need some way of coming together to take care of big issues – like gas prices, health insurance, and the housing crisis. Because, as Winston Churchill once said about democracy, government is the worst of all possible alternatives, except for all the others.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
Before Dr. Brazelton’s passing in 2018, he was the founder and director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is now the director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.
Reprinted with permission from the authors.