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A 9 WEEK OLD AND HIS MOTHER, BOTH SLEEPLESS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
A 9 WEEK OLD AND HIS MOTHER, BOTH SLEEPLESS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My 9-week-old son cannot get to sleep. He only sleeps for two- to three-hour spans before crying and feeding at night. During the day he hardly naps unless we go for a drive.

I also can’t seem to get him to fall asleep without my nursing him or rocking him. He has fallen asleep on me a lot lately and when I put him down he wakes up and cries.I am beyond exhaustion and I worry that I am teaching him bad techniques for sleep by letting him fall asleep on my breast and rocking him.

A. At 9 weeks, many infants wake up every two to three hours – a major strain on parents. Until four months, most babies’ brains aren’t ready to organize their sleep cycles to sleep through the night.

But even by 12 weeks, your baby’s schedule should begin to follow a more predictable day-night routine. You are doing the right thing by rocking him, holding him and putting him to the breast.

Your husband can help by taking turns with you to get the baby at night. For now, he may feel he can’t do much. But you might fall back to sleep more easily if he got up to bring the baby to you and returned him to the crib after feeding. (On occasion a sleepover relative or friend can spell you, too.)

You might consider pumping some breast milk so that your husband could use it at night in a bottle to feed the baby. At 9 weeks, your baby may be comfortable enough with the breast that he won’t to give it up because of a few nighttime bottles.

You may not yet feel you know what your baby is telling you with his cries and other behavior. Sometimes you may think he is saying he is hungry when instead he is sleepy, and vice versa, which may explain why he’s falling asleep when you feed him.

Babies show they’re hungry in several ways before bursting into tears. They become alert and begin to root around, bobbing their head, thrusting it forward or turning it from side to side as if looking for the breast. They may even begin to flail with their hands.

Little by little, you will “read” your baby’s behavior. You’ll both feel less exhausted.You needn’t worry that you are teaching him “bad techniques for sleep.” Sooner or later he will no longer need to fall asleep on your breast.

Meanwhile you can help him learn to soothe himself. When he fusses during the day, don’t rush to pick him up. Wait for a short while, then go to him and talk gently to him. If he is still fussing, of course you can pick him up and hug him. You can bring his hand to his mouth and help him learn to comfort himself by sucking his thumb. He will learn to put himself to sleep and to wait until it is time for his next feeding.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

2-YEAR-OLD PINES FOR LOST BLANKET

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
2-YEAR-OLD PINES FOR LOST BLANKET
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. On a recent car trip, my nearly 2-year-old son threw “blankie” out the window. He has cried for it. Demanded it. Blankie is his most trusted companion.

A roadside search was fruitless. I ordered a replacement. He saw it, dropped it on the floor and walked away as if to say, “I don’t think so.”

Every time we have put him down to sleep for the past week, he has fought us off. He has been going to sleep at least 90 minutes after his scheduled bedtime. He is tired, cranky, loving and clingy all at once.

Now I have located an identical blanket. We are moving and he needs something to soothe himself.

I plan to stain the replacement with chocolate milk and spaghetti sauce before washing it and putting it somewhere for my son to discover on his own.

With blankie his world seems complete. Without it, he is a different child. He went away a little boy and came home a baby. I want my little boy back.

A. A child uses a “blankie” as a kind of stand-in for parents. It represents love and care. By holding tight to the blankie (I call it a “lovey”), a child learns to manage and control himself.

A scrap of cloth or stuffed animal, no matter how tattered, can become a small child’s irreplaceable best friend, something to cuddle – or to throw out the window.

Why did he do that? Nobody knows. But the wonderful thing about a child’s blankie or teddy bear is that it can handle his full range of emotions – from love to hate.

A toddler, like the rest of us, may also have mixed feelings about the things or the people he most depends on.

Good luck with making the replacement like the original, with all the familiar stains and smells. Many parents learn too late that they should never wash a child’s lovey. It’s not the same when it comes out of the washing machine.

If he rejects the replacement, offer him the chance to choose his own. Say, “I’m sorry you lost it and I wish I could help you, but you won’t let me. Now you’ll have to help yourself. You choose your new blankie.”

A child in the midst of a transition like a move deserves extra attention and comforting. As parents, we can’t always protect our children from misfortunes. But we can prepare them to cope with challenges. For a toddler, everyday frustrations and disappointments can become opportunities to begin to learn to live with what we can’t change.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center.  Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

YOUNGEST IN HIS CLASS

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
YOUNGEST IN HIS CLASS
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. Our only son was born in August, which means that in most schools he will be the youngest or nearly the youngest in classes. Many teachers and schools imply that always being the youngest will make things harder for him throughout the school years. True?

A. Chronological age doesn’t do justice to individual differences in development. Children of the same age show a wide range in height, weight and abilities.

Even within a single child, some kinds of development may move more rapidly than others. For example, a child may be bigger and taller than other children of the same age but clumsier and no more mature. I call this situation the “big child” syndrome – a problem because everyone expects more than is reasonable and the child suffers because of inappropriate developmental expectations.

While you can’t know the outcome for sure, taking a look at your child’s development and pace of growth may help guide your decision about whether to hold him back until the next school year.

If he is smaller than children his age, that may be an added disadvantage for him as the youngest child in the class. Height and weight are easy information to obtain, and growth curves over time are fairly predictable, at least until puberty.

It would be helpful to know about your son’s social maturity relative to his peers’. The preschool teacher should have a good perspective, using the other children in his class as points of reference.

If he is immature when compared with children with similar birthdays, that might affect your decision – even though a child can rather suddenly catch up in this area.

Also, you’ll want to consider how the school and the parents in your community handle this issue. If all the other parents of the youngest children retain them so that they can be the oldest in the following year, then your child is likelier to be isolated as the youngest unless you do the same.

Recently more parents have delayed their children’s entry into kindergarten, often with the hope that they are giving them a competitive edge, particularly in later years.

Many children have little to lose and perhaps much to gain from such a delay. In response to standardized statewide testing, many schools are introducing academic curricula originally designed for older grades that are inappropriate for younger children. These may turn them off from learning and interfere with how younger children learn.

Yet for truly gifted children – children who are cognitively ahead of their own chronological age – delaying entry to kindergarten may exact a price.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

MANAGING A TEMPER TANTRUM

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
MANAGING A TEMPER TANTRUM
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

By the time a child is 15 months old, temper tantrums have usually made their unwelcome appearance.

Although parents’ behavior or requests may well trigger them, tantrums come from the child’s inner turmoil. It’s the toddler’s basic struggle to master the intensity of his own feelings. Only he can resolve the indecision that’s behind them – though he can learn to settle himself by modeling on his parents’ unruffled response to the tantrums.

When distressed parents report the first tantrum to me, I reassure them that a feisty child is bound to have these episodes. After the child has learned to handle this struggle, he’ll be stronger and more secure.

I remind parents of some steps to take:

  1. Remember your options, all directed at leaving the resolution up to the child.
  2. Hold him quietly or carry him to a spot where he can work it out himself.
  3. If you’re in a safe place, walk out of sight momentarily. When he can’t see you, the tantrum will lose force. Then quickly return to say, “I’m sorry I can’t help you more. I’m still here, and I love you, but this tantrum is your job.”

Giving the child the space to resolve his turmoil is not the same as deserting him. Do it in a way that lets him know you wish you could help. But you and he know that your efforts to help will just prolong the tantrum. Firm limits will reassure him that he won’t be dangerously out of control.

Many years ago, I spent a week in Oregon with some quintuplets. One of them had a rip-roaring tantrum. The other four crowded around to try to stop it. Their efforts made him more violent. One tried to hold his arms, another lay down beside him to croon to him and soothe him. Another yelled at him. The fourth threw cold water on him. Nothing worked, so they all gave up.

As soon as they did, he stopped crying. He got up quickly and started to play with them, as if nothing had happened.

This experience vividly showed me that tantrums reflect inner turmoil that only the child can master. Support, but not interference, is the only help. After the tantrum is over, parents can find ways to convey that they understand how important this struggle is for him, and how hard it is to handle such strong feelings.

Later in the second year, you can try timeouts – for calming down, not as punishment. Firmly hold the child briefly and then put him in his crib or room. Thus you can break the buildup of teasing behavior before the toddler loses control.

When the child has regained control, parents should make clear that a certain behavior made them act, and then they can offer plenty of hugs.

Tantrums in Public

Tantrums are especially inconvenient and embarrassing to parents when they happen in public. Everyone gathers around, looking at the parents as if they were certified child abusers.

In such a situation, parents might turn to the onlookers and suggest that they handle him themselves: “Anybody want to help?” They’ll melt away quickly after that.

Parents sometimes ask why the toddlers have tantrums in public places. For one thing, they’re overloaded by the excitement. They realize that their parents’ attention is diverted from them, and they want it back. Also, they know they can fluster their parents. Parental consternation and attempts to smooth over a tantrum are likely to prolong it.

(This article is adapted from “Touchpoints: Birth to Three,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Prior to his passing, Dr. Brazelton was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center.  Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

EXTREMELY BOSSY

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
EXTREMELY BOSSY
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q: I have an almost 4-year-old daughter who is extremely bossy – to me, to our family, to other children. Any advice?

A: A young child’s behavior is her way of letting the world know how she feels before she has developed the ability to put her feelings into words.

To understand what her bossiness is “saying,” watch and listen carefully.

If she wants everyone to go along with her ideas about what and how to play, she may need guidance about cooperation.

If she expects everyone to cater to her whims, you can set limits to teach her that she can’t always have her way.

If she seems bossier at specific times, there may be triggers to such behavior – like hunger, fatigue or overstimulation. Watch for these cues and help her to avoid them. If her bossiness seems a bid for attention, schedule regular times to play together so you won’t find yourself pulled in to play whenever she demands it.

When she gets bossy, tell her it’s no fun for you when she acts that way. Then remind her of the great time you had during your last play date. Let her know you’re looking forward to the next one. A child may be bossy before she has learned how her behavior affects other people. Let her know that no one likes being pushed around.

How do you and others respond when she can’t do as she pleases? Giving in won’t help, though it may be tempting if she throws tantrums. Instead, help her learn to control herself. Ask how you can help – with a hug or some quiet time to herself.

Some children who feel that their world is out of control may try to control other people. In this case, ease the pressures on her. Look for times and places when she can have her way – such as choosing her cereal or the color of the clothes she wants to wear.

At 4, the social skill to monitor and change behavior in response to others is a work in progress. Four-year-olds are learning to share, to take turns, to invite other children into their play, to follow another child’s lead – the back-and-forth of communication. Is anyone bossing or bullying her? Often children who are rough on others have been victims of such treatment themselves.

If your daughter is in preschool, talk to the teachers about how she gets along with her peers. They can help her learn how to compromise and get along. In the classroom she will have plenty of opportunities to practice.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

TOUGH TIMES, RESILIENT FAMILIES

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
TOUGH TIMES, RESILIENT FAMILIES
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

(This article is updated from “Touchpoints: Three to Six,” by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D., published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.)

These times of economic insecurity challenge parents who already feel strapped to find enough time, any time, for their young children. Parents everywhere may take comfort from knowing that they are hardly alone in this period of foreclosures, layoffs, dislocations and worries about today and tomorrow.

Many parents cling desperately to the jobs they have, no matter how much time is now demanded, and bring home even more stress than ever – doing double time to make up for staff cuts and worried about looming layoffs.

Children feel the impact. But parents and children may also find that facing adversity together can strengthen the family – and the community, too, when families share what they have. During this holiday season especially, giving and sharing take on new meaning.

In most U.S. families today, both parents are in the workforce; 63 percent of mothers (of children under 18) work outside the home. Despite massive layoffs, the demands of the workplace on families aren’t likely to change all that much. We still need to find ways to adjust to them that will put children’s best interests first.

Today, parents are asked to split themselves in two – for the workplace and for nurturing at home. Increasingly, parents also are “on call” at home via work-linked cell phones, computers and all manner of hand-held devices that can compete for a family’s time.

Children must adjust to the pressures on their parents and participate in all the efforts to “make it” in a working family.

More time is the universal need of working parents. For most families, there simply is not enough time to just be together. No time for just dreaming and thinking. No time for oneself. No time for one’s spouse. No time for the children.

Children feel the stress their parents are under. Some turn away, as if to prevent themselves from causing their parents further stress. They seem to have given up on moments when they might have their parents to themselves. Others lobby hard to keep their parents tuned in to them, even if it means behavior that wrecks the little time they have together.

Children benefit, though, when parents can strike a reasonable balance between work and family.

Ellen Galinsky, director of Work Family Directions in New York, asked children what they thought about their mothers’ working outside the home. Most children quickly stood up for their mothers: “Even if she hates her job, we need the money and we all know it.”

These children felt that their mothers were “the most important person for me. She’s always there when I’m sick or I need her.” Their mothers’ working or not was not their issue. They wanted “focus time” with their mothers, time in which they were uppermost in her thoughts. The most satisfied children valued the “hanging out” time they had with their mothers. Rather than so-called quality time spent on planned excursions or planned togetherness, these children preferred just hanging out with their parents.

For the many parents who must spend the bulk of their time at work, there are ways to turn the priority of work into a positive for the children.

It became apparent from Galinsky’s study that children want to be a part of the family’s efforts; they want to understand their parents’ jobs, to be included in the family’s efforts to “make it.” If the family is working together, children do not feel shortchanged. “School is kids’ workplace. My mom and dad have theirs. But we have each other to help us.”

In planning solutions for families in which both parents must work, each parent needs to share in decisions about family priorities. If their children are old enough, they may be included in the decision-making, too.

Then, when the questions arise, “Did you see Joey’s flashy new car? Are we ever going to get rid of our old junk heap?” or “She gets an allowance to buy her own toys. Why can’t I have one? You don’t ever buy me anything,” the parent can point to the family’s decisions, trade-offs and the values behind them.

The current economic downturn is a time to re-examine values, and to model more altruistic and less materialistic ones for children.

Many parents will now need to be ready to make extra efforts just to try to hold onto their jobs – and their children will again need to adapt. A shift of values toward pulling together, looking out for each other, making sacrifices for each other, and having fun just being together rather than buying together may help many families make the transition to having less.

Still, this can’t make up for basic necessities such as food and shelter that more and more families can no longer take for granted. Some may find that they can stretch what they have a little farther by sharing their resources with neighbors – carpooling to school or for grocery shopping, or sharing childcare arrangements.

At the same time, they’ll be modeling the kind of values that have made this country strong and always pulled us through tough times. This is a time to pull together, to help each other out, and it will last well beyond this holiday season.

How to balance working and caring:

  1. Openly discuss the need to work and the necessary adjustments to the two jobs – at home and in the workplace.
  2. Share the work at home. Children can help as they grow up.
  3. Be aware of feelings of grief over being away.
  4. Learn to separate office worries and home concerns. Leave work at the job, non-critical home problems at home.
  5. Stay in contact regularly with each child and his caregiver.
  6. Prepare each child for separation in the morning and yourself for reunion at night.
  7. Learn to “cheat” on the workplace. Save up energy during the day for close family times at the end of the day.
  8. Recognize that all children will be tired and fall apart when you return. They’ll save up their protests for you. Be prepared and save energy for them.
  9. Tend to children and their needs first.
  10. When you arrive home, gather everyone up in a big rocking chair to rock and catch up together. “How was your day?” “I missed you so.”
  11. As soon as you are close again, then, and only then, attend to household chores.
  12. Plan regular celebrations for the family that works together!

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is Director of Strategy, Planning and Program Development at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

TELEVISION’S IMPACT ON YOUNG CHILDREN

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
TELEVISION’S IMPACT ON YOUNG CHILDREN
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. What are your opinions of how TV watching affects young children? I can control what shows they watch but I’m more concerned about TV’s impact on a child’s development.

A. TV content isn’t the only concern for parents. Too much TV is a major problem, too.

The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages TV for children under age 2. For children over 2, the recommendation is to limit “total media time” to 1 to 2 hours of quality programming per day.

Studies have demonstrated a range of risks associated with TV. For example, excessive amounts of TV watching have been linked to restlessness and hyperactivity in preschool children, especially boys.

The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that TVs not be placed in children’s bedrooms. Both the number of hours of daily TV viewing and the presence of a TV in the child’s room are associated with a greater risk of obesity.

Before age 2 1/2, children learn little from TV. Its stimuli are overwhelming: too much noise, rapidly shifting visuals and the content is beyond small children’s comprehension.

Children may be able to tune out the barrage, but the energy would be better used for activities that actually help them learn – like reading or playing.

In many households, TVs are left on all day even when nobody is watching. Yet in the presence of “background TV,” young children have more difficulty paying attention and participating in interactive play.

Many small children are “parked” in front of the TV when their parents need to do something around the house. TV seems to have taken the place of extended family – of having grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings nearby who can lend a hand – but it is no substitute.

In any family, raising a child is a challenge. Still, when a parent must briefly resort to TV to keep a child occupied, I’d limit the amount as much possible and choose soothing, low-key, commercial-free content.

After age 2, I recommend restricting TV viewing to no more than one hour per day. I would always choose TV shows appropriate to your child’s age and temperament. When a child watches TV, parents should watch, too. You can talk over what you’ve seen.

Your questions will help your children learn to ask their own questions, think for themselves and begin to separate your family’s values from the ones on commercial TV that are meant to sell things. “Did you like that show? Why do you think that man was trying to hurt that lady? How did they make it look like that kid could fly? Do you think skateboards can suddenly appear under your feet when you open that can of soda?”

You can discuss the content with them in order to help them detoxify it and understand it. Such discussions will help children become media literate – an increasingly important skill.

Some parents feel they must expose their children to everything that other people’s children might see on TV. They fear that tuning out and unplugging might somehow deprive their children. Yet parents can rest assured that plenty of children turn out just fine with less TV – or none.

Sure, children may protest at first when the TV goes off. They may not tell you until they’re adults, but they’ll be grateful to see their parents behaving like parents and asserting control over their family’s values.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center.  Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

NURTURING A CHILD’S MIND

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NEW YORK TIMES COLUMN: FAMILIES TODAY:
NURTURING A CHILD’S MIND
By: T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua Sparrow, M.D.

Q. My sister has a bright 3-year-old son. She is determined to nurture and develop his mind and brain to the best of her ability. How can she expand his horizons?

A. At 3, a child is curious about everything and brimming over with questions: “Why, why, why?”

Valuing children’s curiosity encourages their drive to explore, investigate and understand.

But parents needn’t have all the answers or respond right away: “That’s an interesting question. Can you remember it so we can talk about it tonight at supper when I have more time?”

For children to learn, they must develop their ability to be patient; pay attention; persist even when they fear they may not overcome a challenge; face their mistakes; and focus even when frustrated.

Thus children take the measure of their abilities and potential. This self-confidence, along with a sense of optimism, helps children see problems as opportunities to find solutions.

Patience, focus and tenacity may not be the first skills that come to mind when considering how to expand a child’s horizons. Instead, we think of teaching him about colors; numbers; the alphabet; names of animals, trees and flowers; and the world’s countries.

A child who develops the character of a learner can take on these challenges and many more, and he will always seek new horizons on his own.

Of course it helps to expose an eager child to the world’s sights and sounds – music, or a second or third language.

But watch for his signals about how he learns – with his eyes, his ears, when he is in motion, or all of these.

Also look for clues to when he has had enough. If you overload a child, pressure him or present him with tasks he can’t yet handle, you may make him feel unsure of himself as a learner, or worse, like a failure. The risk of too much teaching is to turn him off learning. Challenges should be just a small step beyond – and within his reach.

One sure way to expand a child’s horizons is to talk together, ask questions and listen – about everything, even life’s small details. This helps extend a child’s language skills, which are critical for learning.

Children’s strongest motivation comes from the adults who care about them. For example, children will want to read if they see adults reading.

It inspires children when they interact with adults who are excited to learn and who encourage them to do likewise, without pressure or judgment.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.

Dr. Brazelton, prior to his passing, was the founder and head of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is currently the Director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Reprinted with permission from the authors.

Early Language Matters

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Early Language Matters

Early Language Matters by Louise Packness

In an undergraduate communications class I was taking at Hunter College in NYC, many years ago, we were shown videos of Washoe the chimpanzee learning American Sign Language. (ASL) I was mildly interested in attempts to determine primates’ ability to learn language. But my real focus in these videos and in this class was American Sign Language itself.

I was taken with how “expressive” I found the visual-gestural language of the Deaf community. Peoples’ facial expressions were animated. There were large and small, fast and slow gestures and body movements. Eye contact was vital. I became consumed with questions about different forms of language. Could it be that a language that was expressed visually was somehow more “honest”, more “direct”? Certainly I had experienced misuse of spoken language: twisting of phrases and words; verbal manipulation of a sort. Could ASL use by-pass abuse of speech and more easily get to the heart of an issue? I felt compelled to explore this issue. I already loved language related learning, I.e., foreign languages, the origin of language, how languages change over time – and the nitty gritty of speech sound production as well as grammar and morphology and syntax.

I went on to graduate school and became a Teacher of the Deaf. I got my answer. ASL can be used in a manipulative way just the same way a spoken language can be. A visual gestural language may look more “immediate” and “‘direct” – “honest “if you will. But ASL is a full and true language; it follows rules, has exact vocabulary, word meanings, sentences and syntax and it is entirely possible to be false and manipulative in the visual-gestural form as well as the spoken language.

In my deaf education teacher training, the question of language acquisition for deaf and hard of hearing children born in to a hearing world came to the forefront. How do deaf children learn language and how do they learn to think? I went to study language acquisition of both deaf and hearing children and speech language development has been my professional work for 35 years.

In general conversation, we often talk about communication and language interchangeably. They absolutely overlap; communication is a form of language and language is a part of communication, but they are not entirely the same.

Communication starts the moment a baby is born. It is about connecting emotionally with other living beings. We humans are hard-wired to make and find comfort in these connections and we are born with a set of innate emotional expressions and an instinctive understanding of other people’s emotions. We express joy, sadness, fear, disgust, interest, surprise anger, affection and more, and recognize them in others.

These early non-verbal connections are shared through vocalizations, facial expressions, and physical movements. Adults and babies engage in looking at each other, copying each other, taking turns on an emotional level – interactions known as “serve and return”. They are recognized by psychologists as important in shaping brain architecture in powerful ways, and helping to create a strong foundation for future learning. These interactions, conversations back and forth of sounds, gestures, facial expressions, tones of voice, eye-contact, posture and use of space give the young child a sense of belonging and are important to both partners.

Verbal communication, language, is also hard wired in the brain.
It is a rich, complex, adaptable system with rules; it is the way in which we combine sounds, create words and sentences in speech, signs and later writing to communicate our thoughts and understand others.

Verbal language provides us with the tools to know what we think and want, and understand others’ thoughts and wants. We need language to socialize and learn. Through both communication and language, we are able to learn new information, engage in rich pretend play, solve problems, ponder, invent, imagine new possibilities, and develop literacy.
Verbal language develops over time and follows universal, developmental milestones. Children learn at different rates, but there is a critical period in which a child must experience and develop language for it to develop fully.

None of us remember how we learned language. For the child with no interfering cognitive or physical challenges it seems that it simply happens. It is “caught” not “taught”. It is “caught” when a child is immersed in a world with caring adults who talk and interact and engage with this child. The particular language – or languages – a child masters is the one that the child experiences and has the opportunity to practice.

Language learning requires no tools or training – only these conversations.
When we say that early language matters it is the early, emotionally attuned engagement between adults and young children that matter.

When an interested adult is fully attending, talking and listening – making it easy for the young child time to start conversations; responding with interest to what the child is expressing with or without words, talking about those things the child is interested in at a level the child can understand, having conversations that go back and forth a number of times – these behaviors promote the natural development of language.

My work has been with children with special needs who have speech and language delays and disorders. For these children specialized early intervention is extremely important. The earlier the better to take advantage of a young child’s developing body and brain.

For the typically developing child, however, if language develops easily and naturally, what can interfere??

How strong children’s language skills are affected by their surroundings. Challenging environmental circumstance, such as food insecurity, poor housing, lack of health care, no access to books make a difference in the young child’s development; an adult, parent or caretaker who is not able to sustain attention or be attuned to the child makes a difference in the child’s development. When the adult is highly distracted – perhaps by troubling personal concerns or the ever-increasing interruptions caused by technology; i.e., needing to check Face Time, take a phone call, look at Instagram, check notifications, etc., the child is adversely impacted. The tremendous value of on-going conversations gets lost with many interruptions. Being aware of the factors that are challenging, we can begin to address them.

The early conversations are what matter. They say that a good conversation is like a good seesaw ride; it only happens when each partner keeps taking a turn.

Louise Packness,
Speech-Language Pathologist, M.A. CCC-SLP

Books and Resources for Early Language Matters

American Speech-Language Hearing Association: articles and books. Including:
– Activities to Encourage Speech and Language Development
– How Does your Child Hear and Talk?
– Apel, Ken & Masterson, Julie, J. Beyond Baby Talk: From Sounds to Sentences – A Parents Complete Guide to Language Development, 2001

Early Years Foundation Stage, (EYFS) Statutory Framework- GOV.UK
2021 Development Matters in the Early Years.

Eliot, Lise, What’s Going On in There? : Bantam Book, 1999

Galinsky, Ellen. Mind in the Making: Harper-Collins, 2010

The Hanen Centre Publications. Helping You Help Children Communicate.
– Manolson, Ayala, It Takes Two To Talk: The Hanen Early Language Program ,1992
– Parent Tips
– “Tuning In” to others: How Young Children Develop Theory of Mind

Lahey, Margaret. Language Disorders and Language Development: Macmillan Publishers, 1998

Lund, Nancy & Duchan, Judith. Assessing Children’s Language in Naturalistic Contexts: Prentice-Hall, 1988

National Association for the Education of Young Children (NYAEC)
Articles
– Reinforcing Language Skills for Our Youngest Learners by Claudine Hannon
– 12 Ways to Support Language Development for Infants and Toddlers by Julia Luckenbill
– Big Questions for Young Minds, Extending Children’s Thinking. 2017

Princeton Baby Lab. A Research Group in the Dept. of Psychology at Princeton studies how children learn, and how their incredible ability to learn support their development. 2022 babylab@princeton.edu

Pruett, Kyle,D: Me, Myself and I: Goddard Press, 1999

Ratey, John,J. A User’s Guide to the Brain, Vintage Books, 2001 : 253-335.

Rossetti, Louis,M: Communication Intervention, Singular Publishing, 1996

Siegel, Daniel J,& Hartzell, Mary. Parenting from the Inside Out: Penguin Group 2003

Presence and Perspective

by
Perspective

Presence and Perspective By Murielle DiBiase, M.D.

In the chaos of the world we are living in today I find the challenge that rises to the top of my heap across settings and interactions with others of all ages is to be present and consider the perspectives of others. We are so inundated with the stressors of everyday living complicated with all of the Covid chaos that it’s a true challenge to stay in the moment and even consider the perspectives of others.

In my work in the field of Early Care and Education, I have many opportunities to engage with families, children, professional colleagues, teachers, and a wide variety of support staff involved as educators in this phenomenal field. We know that parents/family are children’s first “teachers”. Everyone involved in the classroom dynamics has an impact on the foundation of learning for each child in their care. We are all “cognitive coaches”, incidentally as well as intentionally, for every child we connect with, even for those we come to know in utero. It’s simply amazing to consider that the first 3 years of our lives are known to be the time in our lives that we will learn at an extraordinary pace like no other time in our entire lives. This, to me, magnifies the importance of intentionally being present as much as we possibly can across settings and ages for all to truly benefit from the interaction.

As I engage in the work of coaching educators to elevate the quality of their engagement with children, there are frequent conversations about taking a child’s perspective in the moment given any number of daily situations we encounter. As adults, we often make unintentional assumptions about children’s perspectives… “When you push your chair away from the table, you’re telling me you’re all done with snack.” (said to an 18 month old) I had to wonder if that was so or was this child merely experimenting with cause and effect given the moment… Just as unintentionally, we often forget that young children are just beginning to understand their world and are learning things like self-regulation. They are truly novices at social engagement and are new to the concept of emotions. They learn what they are living with no regard to “right or wrong” ideations at such a young age. Understanding a young child’s perspective is key to quality engagement. The more we learn, the more we are able to support learning for our youngest human beings.

This is all food for thought, which might shift our perspectives a bit. We don’t know what we don’t know and we do the best we can with what we do know at any given time in our lives. Thank goodness we have a lifetime to learn and grow and there are so many opportunities for us to do so! Learning is a work in progress, not an aim for perfection…

Favorite Resources:

Ted Talks : Jun Li, Fred Rogers (Google these individuals for more resources)

ZERO TO THREE 
Brazelton Touchpoints Center
Connection Parenting, Pam Leo (Google her for more resources to her credit)

Creative Connections LLC
Murielle S. DiBiase, M.Ed.
PO Box 15
Palermo, Maine 04354
207-931-6615